I quit.

That's not a typo. I really did quit. Weight Watchers anyway. But it's not the kind of parting where I plan to never see WW again, just never in the form I was used to it in. See, at my last meeting, when my leader starting singing the praises of spray butter, I started thinking, "Hmmm... perhaps having all this conflicting information in my head isn't a good thing for me." See, for me, right now, life is about health. Getting healthy. And never in my life have I understood that like I do now.

See, ever since I had Sam I feel like there's been something wrong with me.

 

Yeah, that's not me, but you get the point. Headache. Neck ache. Shoulder ache. Constant. Constant pain. I don't know if you have ever known someone in constant pain. It's SO hard to stay in a decent mood when you feel like garbage all the time. You don't want to whine and complain, but no one can really understand what it's like.

On top of that Sam was in constant pain. In a constant state of ill.

  

Yeah, that IS really him. And while I occasionally saw glimspes of my formally happy baby:

 

For all intents and purposes, he was gone. Out the door with my sanity.

After about six months of this with Sam, and two more straight weeks of no-relief-in-sight-head/shoulder/neck pain that nothing could touch, not the chiropractor, not Tylenol with Codeine leftover from childbirth... nothing, I decided it was time to make some changes. I will keep this story as brief as possible, but I feel like it has a place here on my weight loss blog for a reason.

See, I have complained on here before that I have been gaining and losing the same four pounds over and over again. It's all connected.

Let me start by saying that WW works. It's worked for me in the past. After I had Ethan I got within five pounds of my goal and only gained when we started talking about having another baby (it was kind of like, 'well, might as well forget all this point-counting stuff if I'm just going to have to do it again...) But it does work. You can lose weight doing this program. Whether or not you will keep it off, I don't know because what I think now is that you have to have a completely REVELATION about your health in order to really key in to what it is that makes you lose weight. It cannot be, like it has always been for me, about vanity.

I went to a natural doctor in Wisconsin that I heard about through a friend of mine. She is a Christian woman who literally cured herself of cancer. She believes as I do that God created our bodies to heal themselves. He created the herbs in the ground to heal us... however, she also said that there are times when antibiotics and man-made medicines are necessary. I appreciated that because I'm not ready to write off doctors and medicine and all that stuff. But the point is, if you life a healthy lifestyle you will be less likely to need those things in the future.

So, her first test is to analyze your blood. This was the big one for me. She put Sam's blood up on the screen and instantly I knew something was wrong with it. I had no idea what I was looking for but it did not look healthy. Mine was the same way. It boiled down to mostly bacteria and toxins for Sam and for me a bacteria/parasite problem and more specifically, Candida. Yum.

So, for Sam, it's pretty clear that his issues have come from the loads of antibiotics he's been on in his 15 months. Basically, the antibiotics killed off the good and the bad and then he couldn't fight off any new illnesses, so he just got everything. Which usually turned into an ear infection. Then more antibiotics.

What is a worn out mom to do?

Sometimes... take matters into your own hands. No one could explain Sam to me. No one knew what was wrong. Just "it's a virus." "It's another virus." "He's getting these viruses because his sister is bringing them home from school." But I knew he wasn't supposed to. He was supposed to catch every illness that passed by. He had no peronality anymore. He wasn't happy. He was always miserable. Something was wrong. I knew it in my gut. And I believe... sometimes... the mom knows. Even before the doctor knows.

My problem, however, was not so simple. My hormones were imbalanced. My adrenals and liver weren't functioning properly. My blood was sick and both mine and Sam's blood had plaque in it. Further testing showed that my thyroid is also acting up (or not acting at all, actually.) Only on the right side though. I have some vitamin deficiencies (E & C)... lots of stuff going on. But the biggest problem, I told her was this never-ending head/neck/shoulder ache.

She said, "Well, that's your blood sugar."

I said, "HUH?" I mean, I eat. I am sure I'm keeping my blood sugar up, right?

She said, "The parasites steal the nutrition in everything you eat so your body can't keep your blood sugar up."

Suddenly, it's making sense. Now, I have to be honest. I was somewhat skeptical of this whole thing, so picture me with a raised eyebrow and a bit of sarcasm lurking underneath my painted on smile. But as she spoke, things started to become a little clearer... and the picture of my crazy-unhealthy blood is forever burned in my mind.

Turns out this Candida LOVES sugar. Makes you crave it. Loves white flour and things like pasta. Things I also happen to eat on a regular basis. Remember the candy jar?

 

See, before I threw that away, I relied on that. I relied on candy. I saved points in my day for sugar and candy. But I had the points, so it was fine, right?

Never mind what it was doing to my body.

I tell you all this to say... I have had one something of a revelation. Because now my body isn't something to loathe. It isn't something I wish I could control and mold into the form I desire. It's this remarkable amazing thing that has given birth three times. It is full of these little cells and organisms that work together to ensure that I am healthy. And what am I doing to it? Ruining it!

I have had a bona-fide Oprah A-ha Moment. I now understand the difference between pursuing HEALTH and pursuing WEIGHT LOSS. This isn't something that can be taught in a program. For years I learned about health and nutrition--I knew I shouldn't eat candy... but if I had points left, I might as well. I knew about 'making food fuel' blah blah blah. But it never got rooted into my brain and my gut the way it is now.

Now I have a clear, visual picture of how unhealthy I was. How unhealthy my baby was. That picture is forever engrained in my mind. And ever since, my outlook about food has completely changed. As a result, some amazing things have happened:

1. I have been cooking on a very regular basis. And not everything I've made has been terrible, either! I've discovered I have a little bit of creativity in the kitchen... just a little... and Adam is a wonderful taste-tester! (Sophia... not so much.)

2. We eat as a family. Almost every night. This fact makes me want to cry. Do you know that teenagers who eat with their families are FAR less likely to have all those crazy teenager problems (depression, pregnancy, eating disorders.) It's a habit that is vitally important to me. Our FAMILY is priority.

3. I no longer view my household chores (especially cooking) as chores. Instead, now, for some crazy reason, I feel like I am bringing health to my kids.

4. My older two now seek out fruit and healthy snacks. Sophia especially wants to know what is healthy and loves to help me find organic stuff at the store.

5. Sam is a completely different baby. I will say he still has a bit of a runny nose as of yesterday, but I'm wondering if I was expecting too much assuming that would stay gone after an entire Sunday in the nursery at church. He laughs all.the.time! He isn't so clingy. He's happy. He is FUNNY. He dances and shakes his tail feather. He plays "peek-a-boo" on his own, without the game being initiated!

6. I AM NOT IN A BAD MOOD ANYMORE. I thought I was just moody. I assumed I was just hormonal and crabby and had this plight in life to carry my cross up the hill and down again. Poor me. What a hard day I had. But now, I find I am more patient. I am happier. More willing to do what needs to be done.

7. I all but stopped eating sugar. Now, I do still have the occasional cookie. But I don't crave them. I don't plan to eat half my points in sweets. I think of them as little treats that are great now and then but mostly, at night, I sit down with a big fat bowl of fresh fruit. And it's amazingly delicious.

8. I have so much more energy. I am not groggy and tired and relying on coffee to get me through the day. Plus, I love learning about this stuff, and I find the grocery store is actually kind of fun now.

I have started things before and not finished. I've been excited at the onset -- probably even as excited as I am right now about this stuff. But this time, I think it's different. THis isn't about JUST me anymore. It's not about losing weight to fit into my skinny jeans. It's about living the kind of life God intended me to live.

And I think my A-ha Moment is going to be like the gift that keeps on giving...

At least... that's what we're hoping...

 

Oh, and I still plan to weigh in on Thursdays... and I do still count my points, but I am not eating chemicals like spray butter. I'm just using good judgment about how much of the real stuff I can actually eat.

More about what I HAVE been eating later this week. I've got some GOOD stuff to share! :)

Comments

[Ali]

That's awesome Courtney!! You encourage me to pursue healthiness and not just weight loss. Glad you and Sam are feeling better.

[Laura]

Courney, thanks for sharing your journey. Great reminder about how the creator made our bodies!

[Sandi]

Looking forward to hearing about what you and your family are eating. I can really use some suggestions.
Sandi

[Ashley]

I found your post really interesting because I completely understand and have gone through a similar a-ha moment in the last few months.

I did WW and lost 33 lbs on the program and have been keeping it off for almost 2 years. My eating changed a lot when I joined and I made a lot of great habits, but was still finding ways to creatively spend my Points on sweets and treats (100 calorie this, fat free that etc.)

In November I was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease. My diagnosis coupled with my visits to a naturopath have really changed my thoughts on eating and what I'm putting in my body. I'm not longer just trying to spend my Points so that I hit my daily target, I'm eating to nourish my body and trying to make better choices in the foods that I'm choosing.

I still do the program (I'm actually a Leader as well) but the way I eat has changed a lot and I feel great. I recently underwent food sensitivity testing and I'm going in to see my naturopath in two weeks to discuss my results. I think candida and sugar is a big issue for me, so over the last 6 weeks I've been working to cut it out and I've noticed a huge improvement in how I'm feeling physically.

I'm glad that you were able to come to this realization and figure out what is going to work for you. You've done great and I wish you the best in your continuing journey to health.

[Bobbie]

Courtney-I too am looking forward to see what you are eating. I have struggled with weight for a long time and lately have been wondering about all of the artificial sweetners, etc. I try to have only one can of diet pop a day, but I know that is not good. I seem to always want sweets especially after supper...and I mean chocolate or baked goods....not so much fruit. I am trying to change that, and I keep praying for a mindset change. Thanks so much for sharing.