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the riddle.

I think I have a new crush. It's okay - Adam knows all about my movie/tv crushes... but this one is a little different... a music crush. Five for Fighting. Namely the song "The Riddle," which has been incessantly running through my head the past few days. What is it about his voice that literally brings the emotions in me so close to the surface they are ready to overflow? I used to be so good at suppressing emotion. Not so anymore.

We're hard at work getting ready for Hallelujah Night, which is our Halloween alternative. This year, we're doing an "Under the Big Top" theme, which means lots of circus stuff. Adam wrote a 10-minute play to wrap the night up to teach the kids about fear and why they don't need to be afraid. It's really coming along awesome, but we're all just exhausted. I hope we can enjoy it.

You know that line in that Anna Nalick song "Breathe," it says:

2 a.m. and I'm still awake writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me
Threatening the life it belongs to.

That resonates with me so strong. I get that. I understand how that feels - that need to spill onto paper what's going on inside, the voices (not in a weird way) but the characters trying to come to life, wanting to exist. I've missed that. It's finally back.

I've been thinking a lot about being a stay at home mom lately. Starting to wonder if God is moving me, shifting me again. Feeling a different call on my life than I have in the past. The things that used to seem so important just aren't, and I really love that. I love that I have a clearer sense of purpose. Love that I can help other people discover theirs.

We've had such a great response for the beautiful girl workshop, which is less than two weeks away. I am so excited about this. I cannot wait. The girls are flipping out. I am just praying now that my words come from God. I feel like teaching them is something I might be doing a lot more of, and I'm even thinking I might start up a drama team - to teach them about acting, give them a chance to do it. It's such a self esteem builder to get out on a limb like that and do it.

So many thoughts going through my head right now. Thank God for morning pages from "The Artist's Way" - I would never sort through all of this. It brings back so many memories... things I'd long forgotten. People I'd forgotten. Makes me think of New York. I remember being in my scene study class. My teacher was a man by the name of Alan Langdon. I could write a whole play based on this man's character. He was totally cut-throat - no nonsense... just forced you to work and saw through your bull. If you were faking a moment, he'd call you on it - he'd stop you and make you make different choices - see all the possibilities. This book reminds me of his class...digging deeper into the past to tap into emotions, motivations... that whole stanislavski method thing.

Feels like worlds ago. Before Adam. worlds ago.

Part of that world is starting to collide with this world though... I can feel it. I have to sit back and wonder what He's doing through me and in me... I know it's something. I think I'll just strap on my seatbelt and go along for the ride. :)

Anyone else in love with Five for Fighting?? Am I the only one who cries?

The Artist's Way

Well, we've officially started. Mel and I had some email problems there for a couple days, but I think we've got it worked out now. :) Thankfully! So, you can check out Mel's blog for my first Artist's Way blurb. I'll post it here too, but I just want to add that if you haven't gotten this book yet, it's definitely not too late! Check out your local bookstore - our Barnes and Noble even had the workbook (which is awesome!) Definitely worth looking into!

I have to say that this book has already helped me see things differently in terms of being an artist. It's just amazing.

Check it out!! Please do this with us!! You won't be sorry!!

Here's the first post:

Introduction:

I’ve had this book for a long time. Since 1996, to be exact. Oh my land, that’s 10 years. I got it for an acting class in New York, but I just didn’t have time to read it.

I should’ve.

This book would’ve saved me years of agony. Wondering if what I was writing was good enough. Hoping my artwork would appeal to someone other than my mother. Praying that maybe, just maybe, I could get something right.

As if art is something to get right.

Melody asked me a few weeks ago to do this course along with her, and to post weekly on her blog – just to get people thinking about the ideas and principles in Julia Cameron’s book. And so, I went out the garage, dusted off a big bin of ‘theatre book’ that I’ve long since abandoned... and I let the thing follow me around for a few days. Before I opened it, I thought about opening it. Before I read anything, I flipped through it... wondering if this was something I wanted to do.

Then finally, one night, during the commercials of Grey’s Anatomy, I started reading. Soon, I realized, this was not a book to be read during commercials with the tv muted and one eye watching for McDreamy to reappear. This was a book to be read with care. A book worth looking twice at. The kind of book you read with a pencil or highlighter in your hand.

Take your time with the introduction. Get to know Julia Cameron. Her writing makes you feel like the luckiest girlfriend on earth, sitting down to coffee with the author and hearing the story of how this book came to be. You discover amazing tidbits like creativity can be taught.

What??? Are you serious??

Yep. And for those of you who are already creative... think of what that could mean: even more creativity... like, by the truckloads. She contends that creativity is part of our nature. It’s natural to be creative.

In addition, Ms. Cameron explains that you will learn to unblock. If I had known years ago that there was a process you could learn in order to stop that dreaded BLOCK, I would’ve been so much happier.

There are many things underlined in the intro of my book. But perhaps the most liberating is this:

            Get out of the way. Let it work through you. Accumulate pages, not judgments.

I’ve long had a sign in my office that reads: I will not judge my work until I am finished.

Now, I am going to post a sign that says, I will not judge my work at all.

There are so many people waiting to judge us. As artists. As parents. As people. Why on earth would we want to judge ourselves? Why contribute to the judge-fest? Stop it now. Do not judge your work. Let it be what it is. If you don’t like to look at it or read it, try something new next time.

I’m not saying you should never tweak or rewrite or edit – of course not – but for now, just for awhile... don’t look at your work with a critical eye. Look at it as you would the work of your child, with caution not to break that creative spirit.

We are creative beings, Cameron writes. We were born to create. God made us in HIS image... and he is, after all, the Great Creator. Allow your life to become a work of art. Allow your art to become your life. If only for a few moments a day...

One more thing: if you don’t like the idea of God or The Great Creator, do what Ms. Cameron suggests: ignore those terms and replace them with your own. Don’t let that get in the way of you learning to unlock your inner artist. You will be the only one to lose out!

Now, go back and read that introduction again. Think of the author as a friend. Savor her words. Get to know her voice. Let her teach you and guide you and speak to you as you would a trusted confidant or friend. We’re all in this together... striving to be more creative. Striving to find our place...striving to stop comparing, stop judging... striving to finally, just for fun’s sake... create.

I just wonder...

I wonder if my mother felt this way. I wonder if she spent time just watching us – noticing long black eyelashes and wondering where on earth they came from. I wonder if she was struck by the maturity of her five year old as she did things five year olds aren’t supposed to know how to do – like read books written for much older children or care for a younger sibling in such a way that it is clear she is a natural. I wonder if I ever brought the kind of joy into her life that these two bring into mine. I wonder if she thanked God everyday for the honor of being entrusted with two such precious lives.

Sometimes, I think I’m the luckiest girl on earth.

There's a spider that's made its home in my window, right between the screen and the pane of glass. It used to move with lightning speed, catching its prey, spinning its webs. Now, it's slowed down a bit... taking its time to creep from one edge of the window to the other.

I have days like this. Days where I would rather creep than run. Today just might be one of those days. I'm distracted by the hundreds of birds in my backyard - a whole swarm of them, just swooping up and soaring down. Just when you think there are no more, another flock comes in from the south. Is this some sort of mating ritual I'm not aware of?

I'm still looking for the simple life. Still looking for what makes me really undeniably happy. The other night, I caught an old episode of House, which just happens to be one of my favorite shows. This episode was about a little nine year old girl with cancer. It's honestly amazing I watched the whole thing as I typically turn the channel whenever kids are sick, dying or about to get hurt. But something about this episode kept me watching...

The basic premise was that this girl had something wrong with her - if they fixed it, they could give her another year - maybe. And it occurred to me... that that little girl and her mom must have an entirely different kind of relationship. A relationship on a whole other level. I mean, what would you do if you knew you and your child had maybe one good year? One year? Think about it - it FLIES by. Way too fast.

And I got this flash... this picture in my head of what would be different in my life if that were our situation. My entire perspective would change. I saw myself doing the kinds of things I've long felt 'too old' to do. Silly things like actually playing dress-up and getting the kids' imaginations going. Things that you can only do when your kids aren't just a top priority, but they are second only to your relationship with Christ and your husband. The kind of relationships that TRUE full-time moms have with their kids.

And then I wonder... is that enough? Would I feel like I was being effective? And then I think about the kids at church... and I want to be a mother-figure to them too. I want to get the excess out of my life so I can really be a mom. Not a good mom - an AMAZING mom. I want to be that mom. Even if my house isn't always clean. Even if I never scrapbook again. Even if I don't bring home my own paycheck.

Sometimes... sometimes... I just want to use all my creativity on becoming a better mom.

In other news, I've taken up swimming. Truth is, I was getting a little bored at the gym. I'm still pushing myself to run (thanks to my sister, who has always been a runner), but three days a week... I'm swimming. With my husband. It's something we can do forever and together and it's a dang good workout. I wish I had before and after pictures of Adam - who has never been overweight, but who is definitely toned now - it's inspiring. :) So, let's hope I see similar results.

And tonight, it's Japanese food with the girls. I can't wait. :)

Have a great afternoon!

feeling, well, lovey.

Well, darn. I'm feeling all ooey-gooey for my kids today. Sometimes Adam and I go in their rooms when they're sleeping just to wake them enough to get them to talk to us in their sleep. I know it's not the nicest thing to do, but it is seriously so much fun.

This is a layout I did just for me. I did it because when I saw this picture it made me think of this verse. Something about God making his face shine upon Ethan made me smile. Made me really happy. :) And in this picture, with the sun on his face... it really looks like God's face is shining on him, doesn't it?

Ethan prays. He prays for me everytime I even mention an ailment. He prays. I love that about him. I love that we'll be in the middle of the mall, and I'll just randomly say "Gosh, I've got a headache..."

"I will pray for you," he says in that sweet little voice.

Then he slaps his hand on my head and says, "Dear Jesus, I PRAY for mommy's headache and I PRAY that it will go away in Jesus Name and in Jesus name... Amen."

He emphasizes the PRAY part. Very dramatic.

I feel pretty darn blessed right now.

To everyone who has emailed me about my last post... thank you. thank you. thank you. I feel like maybe because I had such a struggle to get to a point where I really am okay with myself, because of the eating disorders and the insecurities... maybe God is going to turn all that into something good. I love how God will do that.

And honestly, think about it... what are you good at? That's the first thing I'm going to ask these girls. I know not many people read my blog - although it is a few more than I thought (thank you!)... but seriously... think of three things you can do REALLY WELL. Three things that you are great at. There are three. There are probably way more than three.

Now, it doesn't count if you just think of them. You have to post them in the comments. Tell me what you're great at. I really want to know. And if you're thinking of NOT posting... resist the urge and post anyway.

No one will think you're haughty or egotistical. No judging allowed. Just tell me what you're great at.

Please?

I've been working on some stuff. I love that. Love being inspired. Love writing. Love having something to write - hearing the characters, picturing what they're wearing. I've kept them locked up for a long time. Time to let them out.

I've been wondering why it is that people - women especially, are taught that it's not right to believe they are good at something. Why is that? You know, if you were to say something about your ability or your talent to paint or sculpt or sew quilts - just matter-of-factly, as if you know this is a gift you have - people - especially women - would think you were bragging.

And depending on your intention, you might be.

My husband knows what he is good at. He will tell you matter-of-factly the things he has been gifted in. The abilities and talents he has - he knows about them. They aren't a secret. I always cringe if he writes a song and tells someone he thinks it's good. Aren't we supposed to be more modest than that?

Maybe.

But it's got me thinking. If I'm a songwriter, say, and I write a song... if I don't think it's good - no one else will either. If I am a painter, and I paint a portrait and promptly tell everyone how much it sucks, then no one else will really believe that it's good. So why then, is it so difficult and so frowned upon to say that we've done something well? Why isn't that okay?

This is my new baby:

(I emailed Rhonna for permission to use her dreamy diva for this logo - church use only) :) But anyway... this is what I've been spending my time on... planning this workshop... and trying to decide the best way to instill self esteem into girls who will - far too soon - find themselves face to face with those dreaded feelings of inferiority.

I hate that about being a girl.

And my goal is this: to teach them to make a difference by being different. To celebrate the fact that they are unique. To teach them to see themselves the way God sees them - beautiful. And to do it before they are bombarded by the media's perception of the perfect body.

In that research, I have stumbled upon some startling facts: anorexia and bulimia can affect girls as young as 6. One year away from where my own daughter is. Six years old. There is a rapid decline in self esteem when girls go into fourth grade. We teach girls they aren't allowed to believe they are good at anything... and then wonder why they have low self esteem.

I don't want to train them all to be braggarts - is that how you spell it? But I DO want them all to believe that they are good at something. I want them to believe in their abilities and their talents... I want them to know that they were created exactly the way God intended.

I can't wait for this workshop. I'm so excited. I announced it on Sunday and the girls are flipping out. We're going to have so much fun... but hopefully, hopefully, we'll also change some hearts. Maybe even change some lives.

Make a difference by being different.

I think that's my new life motto.

What a week...

It's been a doozy this week. Ever have weeks like that? Constant stretching? Constant revelation? Constant change?

That was this week for me. At our church, on the staff (actually the pastor's wives) we have a string of birthdays in October. Starting October 10th, there is one every day until the 14th and then two more scattered towards the end of the month. It's the weirdest thing. But it means we're all going out next week for Japanese food, and I suppose that's a good thing.

Yesterday, my mom and sister and I went shopping in near Chicago all day. It was tiring, but it's always my favorite trip of the year. We go for my sister's birthday, and it's just a blast. I found some good deals too, which is always nice! :)

I also got my copy of "The Artist's Way" workbook yesterday. I've had the book for ages, but the workbook is new to me. I can't wait to get started. I am already loving this book.

I don't feel like I have anything hugely profound to say today. Just learning a lot about transitions and how God sometimes wants us to lay off of certain things, even if they're really good things... sometimes really good opportunities aren't necessarily really good for YOU... like, just because a door flings open in front of your face doesn't mean you're supposed to walk through it. Maybe it does... but maybe not. I think that's a hard lesson to learn... especially for people like me who find it terribly difficult to say no.

I'm getting better at it though. People pleasing has always been on my list of traits I need to work on... and I think I'm starting to get better at it. With a renewed sense of purpose in my life, I suppose I actually feel like it's okay to say no. "No, the children's ministry is more important..." I mean, who can argue with that?? :) So... I'm working on it.

Saturday is my day with both kids. Adam always has to work, and I've definitely got laundry to catch up on, but both kids are home, so we do a lot of playing. :)

Which... is what I am off to do right now!

Happy weekend!

The Artist's Way

Something really incredibly cool is happening, and I am ridiculously excited. Here is a little more info on the topic.

I guess I am mostly excited because this book is amazing. Everyone who has any interest in art - be it writing, acting, painting, scrapbooking, photography - whatever - should participate in this course. The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron is an amazing source book for people who are looking to unblock - looking to tap into their natural creativity or pull out of themselves what has been long-buried.

Melody Ross asked me to post weekly updates as we go through the book, so I've sort of been reading ahead... and let me just say... I should've read this book years ago. It is AWESOME. Hands-down, one of THE most awesome books ever for anyone looking to find their own creative voice.

We're starting next week, after Memory Trends, so order the book today! It's by Julia Cameron and it's going to CHANGE YOUR LIFE!!

:)

I know what fear is.

On Sunday morning, we had the most incredible praise and worship with the kids. We prayed for them - that they wouldn't be afraid - of going to school - of what other people think. It was so awesome to see the kids respond in that way to what God wanted to do in our service.

I didn't know the adults were at risk of feeling that fear too, but this week has just been nuts. Monday I was gone all day. I wasn't home at all. I hated it. I had three different meetings, and a lot of wasted time - but I was okay. A little down, but okay.

That night, I went to sleep and had one of the worst dreams I'd ever had. Basically what it boiled down to was a very large man trying to hurt me and Sophia - and we were pretty much unable to stop him. He was huge and no one would help us - and it was a tiring, constant battle to keep him away.

Anyway, it was a scary dream. The kind you wake up from and thank God you were only dreaming. And I did just that. I looked at the clock. 6 a.m. Whenever I have those kinds of dreams, I always check on the kids. First Sophia, who is sprawled nicely on her bed and enjoying the last half hour of sleep before she had to wake up. Then, I move into Ethan's room.

I open the door. There's no one in there.

I don't have my glasses on, but I'm certain he is not in his bed. 6 a.m. where could he be? I start to panic a little bit. He doesn't go anywhere else. When he wakes up, he comes in our room and says "Mom, can I have some juice?" or "Mom, the sun is back." or something else in an extremely loud whisper. Our house was pitch black, where else would he be?

I went and woke Adam, just to be sure Ethan wasn't in our bed. He wasn't. I went back to Ethan's room and looked everywhere. Nothing.

Then, I felt it. The fear. Like a gripping, suffocation, I felt it come upon me. My dream came rushing back to me. Someone trying to hurt my kids. I literally could not breathe.

I don't know what you believe, but I believe in Good (God) and I believe in Bad (Satan). I believe both are spiritual forces at work in a mighty way - even in this day and age. I believe God hasn't given us a spirit of fear... which means, it didn't come from Him. Which means, it came from the other place. Which means, I was under attack. I've only had an anxiety attack one other time, and this was so much worse than that.

Isn't it terrible how the battle can rage on, in your head? How your thoughts can convince you of things that are far from the truth?

I was scared. Hands-down SCARED.

I walked downstairs. And then I saw him. Sitting in the dark on the couch, sucking his pacifier and holding his stuffed monkey.

Me: Ethan! What are you doing?

Ethan: I'm sitting on the couch.

Me: You SCARED me!

Ethan: (exasperated and totally NOT getting it) YEAH...

Looking back on it, I do feel sort of silly I reacted that way, but instantly, I thought of Job. I thought of how people say that God allowed Job to suffer the way he did. But in that book, Job says "my worst fears have been realized." And so I have to wonder if maybe it was his fear that allowed those things in. Maybe when we are so afraid of something, we sort of make a pathway for it to happen to us? Maybe God was showing me what the fear felt like so I could pray like crazy for the protection of my kids and then turn it over to Him.

I can feel him, even now, prodding me to trust him. TRUST ME, he says. And I know I don't fully do that. It's easy with some things... but tough with others. But in this day, a day of natural disasters and school shootings, I have no choice BUT to trust Him. I am helpless to bring order to the world my kids will grow up in. I am unable to do anything but rest in Him, knowing that no matter what, he will never leave me or forsake me.

And you better believe I got rid of that gripping spirit of fear.

Fear doesn't have any place. Not in my house. And especially not in my mind.

Sigh. Tomorrow I'm going to blog about television. I think something lighter is in order! :)

Have a good day!

melancholy

Feeling a bit melancholy today. Not sure why. I was at the church for the entire day and my internet was down. Could that be it? I had three meetings and hardly any time with my kids? Maybe that's why? I have tough choices to make and I'm not sure I have the guts to say some of what needs to be said. Maybe that's more on track...

Simplifying. Simplify. Need to simplify my life. Need to de-clutter my brain. Need to refocus. What's that mean exactly?? There's too much junk in there that I need to get rid of. I am not keeping up with everything because I can't say no to anything. Things that used to make me happy don't anymore. Things that used to make me sort of stressed are starting to interest me again. (i.e. theatre) Wanting to make a difference. Wanting to make an impact. Wanting to be effective.

What am I doing that is hindering that? What is keeping me from being effective? What is keeping me from doing the things I need to do?? What is my real purpose here?

I talk about it a lot. I know my purpose. I know what I'm supposed to do. And if the things I'm doing aren't contributing to that... should I quit doing them? They aren't harmful, but are they worth the time? Precious time.

So yeah... just feeling a little melancholy today.