Nightmares...

Adam isn't feeling well, so he hasn't been sleeping well. I'm almost 8 months pregnant, so I'm not sleeping well either. We're not sleeping well.

To make matters worse, the Nyquil made his dreams race and something messed with my dreams last night... could've just been the fact that I've watched waaaay too much 24 in the last few months, but I think it was something more than that.

Any time things get rough, I assume God is trying to teach me something. I mean, isn't that why we go through these tests and trials? To learn? I've been praying that I would learn whatever lesson it is that I'm supposed to learn quickly so I don't have to continue to try and figure it out. Ever since we put our house on the market, I've discovered revelation after revelation - and honestly, even though it's been hard, it's been so good. I've learned so much. But yesterday, I think I got the biggest revelation of them all... and maybe the most important one.

Let me back up. When I was in college, my dad gave me this piece of paper. On it, he'd written what I later found out was a verse, or at least a portion of it. It said:

"I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked men, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place."

It's the underlined part that stuck with me.

Over the course of the last few years, I've rediscovered that piece of paper. Several times. It's so odd... I don't think Adam even knows about it, and I doubt my dad remembers it, but it keeps popping up. That reminder... don't forget your first love...

Well, I've never been one to pretend I've got everything figured out... and I surely know I've messed up my fair share of times... so I'm not afraid to tell you all the many ways I've had to have God sort of slap my hand...

Here's the honest truth... I HAD forgotten my first love. Again. When things are going well, it's easy to get caught up in how well things are going - you don't have that immediate need, so you don't spend the time staying close to God. Yes. I admit it. I got busy. And I let the 'busy' take over my life. I convinced myself I was too busy to pray every morning. I convinced myself that because I'm rarely alone, I couldn't really pray - and my 'in the car' prayers would have to do.

Well, just like with any relationship, when you only give half, you start to lose sight of the other person. God's no different. I should've known that. So, anyway, throughout the course of this move, I've been praying. A LOT. Of course - I mean, I have a need, and I can't get through it without God's help... and I know that... so I make the time to pray. (Funny how that happens, isn't it?)

Last night, I had a horrible dream. I won't go into the details, I'll just tell you - at the risk of sounding odd, that I really think God is always speaking... and just because we're asleep doesn't mean he stops speaking... this dream I had was eye opening. This morning, I was telling Adam about it - and he doesn't know about this latest revelation, but he said, "Well, I think that means that you really need to pray... I mean, you live at a higher level when you take time to pray."

And then he said, "It also sounds to me like you've forgotten your first love..."

Huh?

Was he serious? I hadn't thought about that verse in probably two or three years - the last time I ran across the paper from my dad...

But it was so clear. That was it. Now, I'm not saying I've learned everything I can from this situation, but I learned another hard lesson. You can't put God on the back burner. No matter what. Even though you're busy. Even though things aren't going your way. Just like Job said, "Though you slay me, yet will I praise you..."

In spite of how nothing SEEMS to be working out right now... I will PRAISE my way through this storm.

And as always, I know he will never leave us or forsake us... that's why it's so important to me that I don't leave him - that I never turn away from my first love.

Sometimes these HARD lessons are the ones that stick with us the most. Obviously God needed to get my attention again.

... it worked.

Comments

[amy]

Courtney, it's Amy from Faith=)... I found you here because my sister surprised me with your new book, and I put a search in with your new name...you are a good writer...as you say "I will praise my way through this storm," it reminds me of Casting Crowns song, "Praise You in This Storm"...it's a good one...I understand you are pregnant with #3...I am so happy for you and your family...It would be nice to keep in touch...I am just starting to "blog" to keep my friends and family connected from a distance...Wishing you health and peace as the day is nearing for you to meet your new Little One...

[Nancy Galloza]

Wow! Your words really touched me, today! I, too, had forgotten my first love. I recently went through a very hard time. But sometimes we have to have a *setback* to have a *comeback*! I am back serving the Lord and I am holding on tighter than ever! God Bless! And congratulations on your pregnancy!

[Jill]

Thanks for such an awesome reminder!

[Julie Brooks]

Thank you for sharing your heart with your readers! What a great reminder for me!

[Jill Godon]

I needed to read this today. Thank you, Courtney.

[Bridgette Mehlig]

Hey Courtney,
Well I hope you and Pastor Adam will be feeling better. I will definetly be praying for the both of you.-:) Whenever I read your blog it blesses me just SOOOOOO much. It makes my whole day just awesome! lol. I just wanted to thank you for that. And I just really appreciate you and this blog. I mean you are just very amazing ! I love you SO much ! Thanks again !!

[Jennifer Stewart]

Courtney,

I hope you and Adam are both feeling better. This was such a wonderful post to read this morning. Every time I come here I'm blessed. Thank you for the sweet reminder of putting the Lord first. (and I do the SAME thing when I take Nyquil, btw...always bad/weird dreams)

Love,
Jennifer

[Kristi Ottmar]

I just came across your blog and it really blessed me, Thanks for sharing your heart about how God speaks to us, I wish I had a dad who reminded me of our first love, its so easy to be busy. I am praying for that perfect moment and your house selling and a safe delivery of your new precious one. Blessings,