Last week, on my weigh-in day, I woke up to find that I'd gained. I think I'd gained about a pound or something really inconsequential...the kind of thing that makes Adam roll his eyes at me.
(This isn't a weight loss post, I promise...)
Having been to the endocrinologist and having been told that while my thyroid antibodies are still elevated my thyroid is testing "normal," I thought tracking points and going back to Weight Watchers was going to work. Why wouldn't it? I tested "normal."
Well, I think normal is a relative term.
The truth is, I gave myself a month. A month of tracking. By that time, I should know if it was going to work. So when I woke up last Tuesday to find out I'd gained, I admit, I was discouraged.
Then I sat down for my morning devotional, which is part devotional/part therapy because every other day I'm working on exercises in a Geneen Rothbook...
...and yes, I am learning a LOT about myself. It's amazing. A little confusing with all the head knowledge I've carried around forever, but still...amazing.
Anyway, I decided to look up the word "gain" in that nifty little back of the Bible thing we call a concordance and among the many verses I read was one that really jumped out at me.
Phillippians 1:19-26:
"For I know that this will turn out for my deliverance through your prayer and the supply of the Spirit of Jesus Christ, according to my earnest expectation and hope that in nothing I shall be ashamaed, but with all boldness, as always so now also Christ will be magnified in my BODY, whether by life or by death."
Something about this really jumped out at me. Something about Christ being magnified in my body, but even more than that... my deliverance comes through prayer according to MY EARNEST EXPECTATION. And I got this picture of a bird. Freezing. Sitting in the trees, expecting spring. She's just waiting because she knows it's coming. But where the heck is it already?
Her expectation is earnest... and eventually, spring will oblige. Spring will arrive. But only in its own time.
So, I decided to paint her. I've only just started painting things that actually mean something to me. So far, I've done three paintings that have messages that come from my life...and now I understand the concept of art therapy.
This is my birdie.
That's me right now. Waiting with earnest expectation for spring to arrive. For my answers about my body and my thyroid and my tendency to abuse food by starving myself, punishing myself, or eating carelessly...whatever it is...
I don't have to explain that trying to work through disordered eating while battling a thyroid problem presents all kinds of difficulties.
For instance, I found Molly's bloglast night and seriously think I should give The Thyroid Dieta try.
But it's a diet, which goes against what Geneen Roth is teaching me through these eye-opening books of hers. Is a diet okay for a former anorexic/bulimic if she has health issues?
If you can't tell, I am way into over-analyzing.
I wrote in my journal several months ago, "This is a season of learning." Boy, is it ever. I told Adam I'd found that in there and he laughed and said, "Shouldn't every season be a season of learning?" I know he's right, but I think what God was trying to tell me was..."Prepare to learn some hard lessons. Prepare to dig up your junk, all that junk you've had buried and deal with it. All of it. I want to use you, but these things are standing in the way."
I love learning. But some lessons are harder than others.
So. I am on the hunt to determine what's wrong with my thyroid while still striving to love and honor and respect this body God's given me.
And I'm doing it all with earnest expectation...
