In the darkness of night, my house finally quiets and for the first time all day, I can think. It happens fairly regularly, but this time, something seemed different. This time, something in the silence struck me.
Odd.
I don't know what it was that sent my mind reeling--perhaps the sight of my children, sleeping soundly and not arguing with me did it. Or maybe just stilling myself to the point where I could hear the words that seemed to play on a continuous loop in my mind.
Slow down. You're missing it. You won't remember the moments.
I've been scrapbooking a lot lately--and that helps to solidify my memories. I find that without it, I don't seem to latch on to the moments the way I want to...but when I think back only a few short years ago, it's like my memories come in fits and starts. Like they're buried and it's nearly impossible for me to find them.
I know why, and it pains me to say it, but it's because I'm just too-darn-busy.
I fill my days (and my nights) with various projects, many of which I took on long before I got a day job. Every time I finish one thing and get it off my plate, two more things pop up. I'm not complaining--I LOVE my work. And I love writing. And I love deadlines.
But now and then, too much of a good thing is still too much.
And two nights ago, it hit me hard. I went to bed weighed down and heavy, the burden that seems to attach itself to my back following me all night long. I fell asleep praying for reprieve.
"How, Lord? I'm committed. I've signed contracts. I need to do this work..."
And I knew I had to suck it up and "get 'er done."
Because I'm not a quitter.
And because I know superhuman strength is on sale at the Walgreens down the street.
The next morning, I woke up, did my devotional and found my heart still heavy. I prayed as I went through my morning routine...wanting to find a way to ease the guilt of not seeing my kids enough... of holing away in my office to work on all these projects. Great, wonderful, amazing projects.
I started my work day by checking my email, and while I can't go into details, I received one that under normal circumstances would've been hugely, hugely disappointing. (I didn't win Publisher's Clearing House. I know. Sad day.)
But truly, I should've been worried, panicked, fearful.
But instead, I felt nothing but peace.
If you know me, you know peace is a costly commodity around here. It doesn't come naturally... which means, I came by it supernaturally. And I knew that in spite of that disappointment, God had just answered my prayer. In spite of not being thrilled by the news I'd gotten, he'd given me exactly what I needed.
And in the silence that night, I heard him say Trust me.
And I knew that sometimes, what we're looking for comes to us in wrapped in a package that looks a lot like disappointment. Sometimes that thing we've been praying for, it shows up on our doorstep and we turn it away...because it doesn't look the way we thought it would. Or should.
We forget how much He loves us.
How much he wants the best for us. We don't realize that if we tune in, we'll find the peace he's given us in preparation for the disappointment.
This news, this disappointing, sad news...it was a gift. In many ways, the gift I needed.
And I find myself filled with gratitude.
Oh, I'm still hoping the news turns around and it's not at all what it seems...but if it doesn't, I've learned to trust that there's a reason for it...
A new face on disappointment.
And always a reason to be thankful...
