Telling Stories

How Our Move is Hitting Home {hard}

It's hard to explain how a son can steal your heart unless you have a son that's stolen yours. 

bad iPhone photo. It is what it is.

The relationship between mother and son is unique and different and very special...at least around here. Ethan is my most sensitive child, but he's also my least verbal. At least when it comes to talking about his feelings. 

Oh, he loves a good rambling round of Twenty Questions (in which he asks approximately twenty questions on the same topic before moving on to a new topic and starting over...) because he's curious and intelligent and likes to dissect things. 

But ask him how he feels and he clams up. Cries. Struggles.

A few weeks before we really knew we were moving back, I started probing the kids. Ethan came with me to run an errand and when I wouldn't let him get something in the gumball machine he said, "You know Grammy would let me get it." 

Uh-huh. But I'm not Grammy. 

He sighed. "I know." (Read that with an extreme amount of disappointment. Because that's how he said it.)

I said, "You miss Grammy and Poppy?" 

He nodded. 

"What if we lived back by them, would that be a good thing?" 

He thought for a second and said, "You know, I never really wanted to move here in the first place." 

So I thought we were golden. It was the girl I was worried about. 

Then we explained to the kids that this was a very real possibility, and as I suspected, Sophia cried (she has this great little group of friends at school...) 

And Ethan said "Okay. Can I go play the Wii now?" 

But then a few days passed and Sophia remembered the good things about Illinois, including her friends there...

And CYT and the school she'd loved...

And Ethan still said nothing. 

Then I started getting emails from his teacher. Bad behavior. Wild. Talking out of turn. 

At first, my inclination was to punish him. No kid of mine was going to be the troublemaker. I don't care who his daddy is. 

But after a couple of days of emails like this, it dawned on me. For all of Ethan's "not caring," I knew that somehow, inside, he was having trouble processing this. In three years of school, he's had three different schools. And the one he loves is the one he's in at the time...which right now, is in Colorado. 

I sat Ethan down and told him I'd had another email from his teacher. We talked about his behavior, and then I dug my heels in and tore the band-aid off. "Is something upsetting you? Because usually you only act up when you're upset about something." 

It took a minute, but then he burst into tears and said "It's just hard that we might be moving back to Illinois." 

I said, "But I thought you were excited because you never wanted to come here in the first place?" 

And he said, "But then I started thinking about all the good friends I have here." 

And what could I say? Because I've thought about all the good friends I have here too. I've cried over the distance we're now putting between us and them...I've hated how flighty we seem to keep traipsing across the country. 

I've had dreams that we're doing the wrong thing mixed in with dreams we're doing exactly what we're supposed to...but more than anything, I've lost sleep worrying about these kids. 

I switched schools exactly twice in my life. Once in 2nd grade and once in 9th. It was traumatic both times. Kids are resiliant, yes, but how do you, as a parent, explain that this is the right decision for our whole family...not just for the grown-ups? 

How do you give them a chance to explore feelings they're much too young to have when really, you want to be wild and talk out of turn and throw your ball at your classmates just like they're doing? 

I know he'll be okay...but he's still processing right now...and so am I. My feelings are so mixed in spite of being so sure we're in the palm of His hand...

And I suppose that's normal...but that doesn't make it easy. 

I have no conclusion today. Just ramblings. Just questions. Just typical mom-worry...

And the hope that when all is said and done...we're going to be okay...

Scrapbooking Your Faith Weekly Prompts {Week One}

I'm so excited to share the very first "Faith Friday" Scrapbooking Your Faith Prompt!

 

Things I've learned from making videos of myself: 

1. One of my nostrils is bigger than the other.

2. You should never film yourself with the camera looking up at you. Even the slightest angle can show all your chins. 

3. There is nowhere in our house that seems to have good natural light. 

Today's Prompt: 

Scrapbook/Journal/Document Your Truth. 

What I mean by this is, document your latest revelation, your latest word from God. The most recent thing you don't want to forget. Your ah-ha moment...

Here's my page:

I'd like to apologize now for crummy lighting. It's been overcast and I took these photos THREE times. sigh. 

Regardless, you can see I'm all about keeping it VERY simple. It's important for me not to overwhelm myself with the crazy pressure of creating art right now. I'm on deadline and very busy preparing to move...so simple and easy is the name of the game. 

The point is, I don't want to forget the story. That's the most important thing. I don't want to forget what it's like to be in the middle of this revelation...

I've hidden the journaling behind the strips of patterned paper. This makes it easier if you happen to be journaling something you don't really want everyone to read. 

Clearly, I'm not:

In this case, I took the words straight from my blog post (which is where I digest most of this stuff anyway...) 

My embellishments were few and I printed the title right on the photo to make this whole thing even easier. 

Now, what about you? What revelation will you document? 

How would you like to win a copy of "Lost and Found" by Ginny Yttrup?

Leave me a comment and I'll enter you in a drawing to win an autographed copy of Ginny's book. I can't explain the importance of reading something so powerful, and the fact that the revelation comes through a fictitious story...you'll be amazed. 

Now...for the five winners of "Scrapbooking Your Faith"...

1. Stacy Caddy

2. Renee J.

3. Kimberli

4. Karen Larson

5. Susan C.

You five, email me your addresses at: courtneycrops{at}msn{dot}com and I'll get those out to you! 

And, like I said in the video, I hope you'll link up here when you finish your projects...even if they're simple (like mine), they can still inspire.

Have a wonderful weekend! 

 

Truth Is Power {Lost and Found by Ginny Yttrup} Part Two

There's so very much I could write about "Lost and Found." In so many ways, this book opened my eyes to my own issues. The way I've allowed myself to be too caught up in the world's opinions. The way I've maneuvered my life to try and become who I am expected to be. 

If there's one thing I've learned over the past five or so years, it's this. 

Truth is power.

I think we have a tendency, as humans, to hide our mistakes, our sins, our evils, and then they become the thing that plagues us. The thing that could easily take us down. 

But when you speak them out, when you confess your issues or shed light on your sins...a funny things happens, they can't hurt you anymore. 

Light and darkness cannot co-exist. So, when you pull something out of the darkness, it's filled with light...and while the process can be painful, the truth of it brings power. 

Once there's light, there's hope...and that thing you've been hiding can't hurt you anymore. It's no longer a weapon that can be used against you...

In Ginny's book, there's a paragraph I circled: 

It is so like her to act as though nothing has transpired between us. To move forward without a backward glance. An apology. An acknowledment of any sort. These are the times that leave me feeling crazy.

And that's how it can be when you're unsure, when truth isn't prominent in your mind. You allow other people to dictate the things you believe, regardless of what you know to be true. 

Why do we do that? 

Why do I do that? 

Reading the words in this book opened my eyes and helped me realize that while I've felt like something was wrong with me all this time, in reality the only thing wrong is that I wasn't allowing the truth to have the power in my life. 

Like I said yesterday, I feel like this book was a gift to me. A way for me to fully embrace the things God's told me to do and allow them to be the only thing that matters. 

And the scary part is that I expect to be tested with this again. And again. Until I get it down. Until I can fully embrace this revelation. 

To that end, here's what I know: 

1. I'm first a wife and a mother. My family is my #1 ministry. Anyone who tells you differently (in word or in action) doesn't have your best interest at heart. 

2. I'm called to be a writer. 

3. Not everyone in the world is going to like me. And that's okay. 

4. I can't worry about the opinions of others...because if I please one person, I'll likely not please another person. There are, after all, as many opinions as there are people.

5. God has a divine purpose for my life. (And yours.) 

These are some of my truths. I have to stay focused on these and not get diverted watching enemy missiles firing at me. 

In a few short months, I'll be walking back into familiar territory. The place where people know me as the person I always was, and I'm tasked with the trial of staying true to what I now know. And it may be difficult not to let myself get tied in to the things that used to be such a huge part of my life. 

You know, it's kind of like trying to change your personal style...if I started wearing dresses everyday, would people think "Who is she trying to be?" 

Maybe. 

But the fact remains that the hard lessons I've learned over the last two years are in me now. They can't go away just because I'm shopping at the same Target store I used to shop at. And I think, in many ways, Lost and Found taught me that. 

That it's okay to seek the truth. 

That it's wise to hear God's voice and act accordingly, regardless of what anyone says about it. 

That sometimes speaking your mind, when done with grace, isn't a bad thing. 

This is my truth. 

What's yours? 

By the way...you can visit Ginny on her website/blog HERE.

And you can buy your own copy of her incredible book HERE. 

When God Sets You Free {"Lost & Found" by Ginny Yttrup}

I'd just sat down to read a nice little story from an author I'd heard so much about. Her name is Ginny Yttrup, and her first book, Words, is one I've had on my "to read" stack for some time. Why I decided to read her second book, Lost and Found first was a mystery...until after I closed the back cover. 

Now, in hindsight...it's very clear. 

Pages 21-22:

"The object of our adoration can either sustain us or sink us." She bends down and picks up one of the red leaves fallen from the Japanese maple.

"What do you mean? God isn't going to sink us." 

She rubs the leaf between her fingers. "No, but He's not always the object of our adoration. Right?" 

"You're suggesting I adore Brigitte?" I laugh. "Really?"

She shrugs. "To adore someone is to revere them--to worship them. Isn't that what you're doing, in a sense, when you give someone so muh power in your life?" 

My heart sort of skipped and I went back and re-read that again. Especially that last part. The book is about a woman (Jenna) stuck in a verbally abusive relationship with her mother-in-law (Brigitte), and as I read, I identified with Jenna so clearly. It was as though Ginny's words were written for me. 

When I read this book, I had no idea we'd be moving back to Illinois. I'd spent my entire life there, and during those years, I'd always been the people pleaser. I followed the rules. I did what I was obligated to do. It's who I was. Who I'd always been. 

What I didn't realize was that by doing what I'm obligated to do, by constantly caring what people think of me, by worrying if I'd make someone mad if I stepped out and did what I thought God told me to do...I was essentially saying "These people's opinions are more important than what God says." 

Looking back on it now, I feel like this book was a gift to prepare me to go back to my old haunts but as a changed person. With a new perspective on life...

The story went on, and I thought maybe it was a fluke. Like maybe pages 21 and 22 were an accident. 

But then I reached page 121 and I read these words: 

"I need to persevere, I think." Then she sighs. "But..." 

...

"But...that isn't working. I'm"--her eyes fill with tears--"so weary. So tired." 

...

"I just want...more than anything...I want to please God. I want to do what He wants me to do. To handle things the way He'd have me handle them." 

I lean forward again. "Jenna, what happens when you dump your weariness on God? When you turn to Him and say, 'I just can't do it anymore?'"

She hesitates. "I...I don't do that." She shakes her head. "I don't turn to God during those times. Because I think I should be able to handle whatever is going on." 

Again, my pulse quickened. Was Ginny inside my head? Did she somehow base this character on me? At the time, I didn't know the author, and yet, her words were resonating with me. 

I was weary. I was tired. I wanted to do God's will but nothing seemed to be going right.

But God knew where we were headed...and he knew it was time to set me straight on some things. 

Because there are many forms of abuse. There are many ways in which people (friends/colleagues/employers, spouses, etc.) manipulate and control you.

They make you fearful. They have the final say. They are always in the right. And in doing what they do, they make you think there's something wrong with you. Like if you feel something is off, if you feel like you have to perform in order to be valued, that you're the one in the wrong... 

I always felt like that. That wanting the things I wanted (to be a mom and a wife and a writer and not much more...) was wrong. That by not wanting to be typical and play the role I'd been cast in...meant that something was wrong with me. 

But did it? Does it? 

For years now, it seems these kinds of personalities have been a part of my life, and as a result, I've lived in constant angst. Worrying what's being said or if I did something wrong or why someone isn't speaking to me...

And it wasn't until we moved to Colorado that I finally started to see that this isn't okay. I finally stopped being obligated. It's not okay for people to treat other people this way, but it's also not okay for me to allow myself to get so wrapped up in pleasing other people (who don't know God's will for my life) that I forget to seek first HIS kingdom. 

I'd forgotten who has the final say. I'd been unable to look at the things GOD says about me, too wrapped up in the opinions of a select few who ultimately have no bearing on my life.

I see now that the timing of me reading a book about someone on an identical journey wasn't an accident. In truth, I don't know that I'd have the strength to maintain my new convictions when I walk back into the familiar. 

I still don't know if I will, but I feel like Lost and Found was God's gift to me. It was God's way of saying "You're not crazy. You can do this. You will be okay." 

It was his way of reminding me what HE says about me is what matters. 

Nothing else. 

I realize that this pattern in my life will appear again, and I'll have a choice to bend or to stand. 

To remember page 213:

There is no punishment. 

No condemnation. 

Only grace. 

And to cling to that. 

Whose opinions do you focus on? Is it hard for you to break free of abusive or toxic relationships? What gives you the strength to do so?

More on this tomorrow...there's just so much to process...

A Sweethaven Page Map

This week, I have SO much to share...more on this crazy faith journey we're on and the first installment of  "Faith Friday" where I'm going to share "Scrapbooking Your Faith" (Or journaling/painting/documenting your faith) prompts to get you delving into your own faith journey...

But while I collect my thoughts, I have to tell you about something else I'm SO excited about!!!

This, my friends, is an exclusive Sweethaven Page Map designed by the amazing Becky Fleck to help celebrate my first novel, A Sweethaven Summer. 

Becky's first book, Page Maps, came out around the same time as my first book (I think) and wow, it just flew off the shelves. It is a book I keep out regardless of where we move. Since that time, she's also released Page Maps 2 and she has the most fabulous Page Maps website where you can create pages based on her sketches. 

Becky is not only amazingly talented, but she's wonderful to work with, she's encouraging and kind. I love when that happens. 

This sketch makes me so happy...and I want to invite you to join me in creating a page based on it too.

Here's my take: 

Rather than create a page specifically inspired by "A Sweethaven Summer", I decided to create a page about my life + "A Sweethaven Summer." More specifically, about this dream of writing my first novel coming true...

Having my first book signing is something I'll never, ever forget, so I wanted to document this part of the journey and Becky's sketch was such a great jumping off point. I find these sketches to be so helpful in sparking creativity. If you're ever stumped, hers is the website you need!

You can see I moved the placement of the flower/pinwheel element, mostly because I really loved this big Prima Flower and I really didn't have enough room for it in the bottom left-hand corner. But clustering it here with the photos made the whole thing come together. 

I then added three smaller flowers in place of that element to balance everything out. Those flowers along with the ones up at the top and the big one off-center create the visual triangle I needed to pull the whole thing together. 

So, do you want to give it a go?

To enter:

 Choose one of the theme prompts listed below and create a layout based on this sketch, in any size, any orientation, any way you want to interpret it and using any products you would like. Post a comment on this thread with a link to your entry.

The contest starts today and ends at midnight, Sunday, May13, 2012 (MST). This contest is open to everyone, everywhere!

THEMES:

• Create a layout about a friend or friends you haven't seen in a long time (or "create a layout that celebrates a special friendship). 
• Create a layout about a place that's special to you.
• Create a layout about a dream that came true (that is the theme of Courtney's sample page above).
• Create a layout about your first love.
• Create a layout inspired by the cover of "A Sweethaven Summer."

This contest will be running both on the PageMaps blog and on here on my blog, so feel free to enter on either one. 

What you can win: 

For more inspiration, grab your own copy of A Sweethaven Summer and spend a little time on the Page Maps site...there's SO much to see! 

When God's "NO" is a much-needed detour {the next part of the story}

So...where was I? 

A funny thing happens to me when I sense God is doing something. That we're on the edge of change feeling takes over and I find myself looking for it everywhere. Like Sherlock Holmes, I try to deduce where God is taking us, as if it's a mystery to be solved. As if I can't wait another moment for the answers. As if He's not going to show us in His time. 

In the case of our move here, it was the pervy pastor. 

In the case of our move back home, it was something else entirely. And I was bummed out when I decided that I must not, after 36 years of trying, be able to hear God's voice after all. 

As a wife, I think it's safe to say that I can spot discontent in the man I married. He is, by all accounts, incredibly laid-back. Otherwise, I'm certain there's no way he could live with me. When I started seeing his discontent, I started to wonder what we were going to do...but then he'd have a great day (usually off at a video shoot or something) and it would be fine for awhile. 

But then, it wouldn't be. 

I'm not sure which one of us handled this worse. (Yes I am, it was me. I handled it worse.) Because I hate seeing him unhappy. Knowing what he can do and how good he is at what he does, seeing him spend his days doing something other than that just about killed me. 

So, I started praying. I prayed that Adam would find the kind of job that utilized his talents--his gifts--the things that made him truly happy. Adam has star potential, and I knew he'd couldn't be long-term happy in a cubicle. 

Then our church announced that they needed a worship leader. And while I knew my husband did not want to go back into church ministry and he most certainly didn't want to be a worship leader, all I could think was "This is something he could do." 

And I felt strongly about it. And I knew this was it. And I convinced Adam to call the church. And one hour before he called, they filled the position. And I moped and sulked a little because what other option was there for us? How, God? How are you going to fix this one? 

Oh, ye, of little faith. 

Man, I had little faith. 

That weekend, we were in Illinois for some reason and I remember recounting the whole story to my mom (who, if you can believe it, worries even more than I do...hey, I learned from the best.) But while I was telling her the story, this strange thing happened...

"But you know," I said, driving toward Wendy's for my apple pecan chicken salad. "Adam doesn't want to be a worship leader. The thing he keeps talking about is theatre. Kids' theatre. Teaching music and acting and directing...that's the thing we both miss." 

And in that moment, literally, it was like oh-my-gosh-that's-what-we-need-to-do...Like a lightbulb. Like THAT was the thing that we had in our hearts--that Adam especially had in his heart...and if it weren't for my misguided attempt to force him into a box he didn't want to go in, we wouldn't have realized it. 

That's when we started discussing our options...that's when we started dreaming about doing what we'd always loved to do...something we do together sort of beautifully. 

See, sometimes, we head down a path and we're sure it's God. And then it doesn't work out. I believe that doesn't mean it's not God...it's just God's way to get you to a different place...

Adam isn't going to be a worship leader, but that closed door got us dreaming again. Outside the box dreaming...and now, months later, here we are...standing on the corner of God's Will. 

Just where he wanted us to be. 

It's easy to get caught up in the method...to look at these detours, these twists and turns and beat ourselves up because the closed doors MUST mean we haven't heard God...but I don't believe it for a second. If you surrender, he'll get you exactly to the spot you're supposed to be in. 

I'm sure of it. 

What detour have you taken lately? Is it possible that it's leading you to something bigger?

Scrapbooking Your Faith Weekly Prompts {Won't You Join Me?}

I'm interrupting my story to gather the rest of my thoughts. I'll tell you all about how this move has already been challenging in that my son is acting out in school because he can't seem to process his emotions. I'll explain what it's like when well-meaning people plant a seed of doubt in your mind and how difficult it is to cling to what you know you know...

The story just keeps changing. Today our Realtor is coming by to talk about selling the house. When we moved here, I was terrified about our house in Rockford. It never did sell, but we have fabulous renters. 

Sometimes God works things out in a way you never expected. I love that. 

Because of it, I feel like I can walk into this next season with more peace. I don't know how God will work it out, but I know he will. I rest in that. 

Anyway. Today, I want to direct you to the Creating Keepsakes Magazine Blog where I'm guest posting (yay) and sharing a layout inspired by my book, A Sweethaven Summer. (Should go live later tomorrow!) Since I haven't talked about the 'ol book in awhile, I'll put in a shameless plug here...I think it'd make someone an awfully nice Mother's Day Gift, don't you? 

You can head right over HERE and enter to WIN a copy along with some fabulous scrapbooky prizes! 

I'm also working on some fun events to help spread the word about the book because we all know word of mouth is what really sells a book. 

If you've shared it with a reader in your life...thank you. Immensely. 

If you haven't, feel free. I'll pledge my undying devotion to you if you help spread the word. 

Too needy? 

Here's a little peek at the project I'm sharing over at CK...

(It's a map project. I love a good map.)

A few weeks ago, CK Editor Extraordinaire Jennafer Martin was in town and my good friend Liz and I got to meet up with her for breakfast:

I can't resist. I have to mention how sleepy I look. Wowza.

If there's one thing I LOVE about scrapbooking it's the friends I've made...which is why I'd LOVE for you to come join me for this new thing I'm doing right here on my blog. Six weeks of journaling prompts to help you Scrapbook Your Faith. 

Now, I'm not much of a video girl (which you will soon see givent he crummy webcam I'm using, but today I'm doing something I've never done before...a video announcement to tell you more about this fun idea.

I want to stress that this is NOT just for scrapbookers...this is for anyone...and I hope you'll join me...

At the risk of looking like a complete dork, here we go...(And the freeze frame/lighting are sooo flattering.)

 

So, let's recap (and talk about how you can WIN some GREAT, awesome, wonderful stuff.) 

1. Go over to the CK blog and enter to WIN A Sweethaven Summer and a scrapbooking prize package! (Post should be up tomorrow!) 

2. Leave me a comment on this post and you'll be entered to win a copy of Scrapbooking Your Faith (and one of the five winners will get a scrapbooking mystery box as well!) (And also, tell me if you're going to join in and journal YOUR faith!)

3. Come back next week for the first "Scrapbooking Your Faith" journaling prompt! It's going to be tons of fun! 

4. Tell Your Friends! 

Hope you have a wonderful weekend! 

When God Surprises You {part three of this story}

I sat down on our bed and stared at my husband who had this sort of giddy-as-a-schoolboy expression on his face. 

"What's going on?" My heart was racing and I felt the change coming. 

We knew we were in for a change, but I have to tell you that every time I prayed about it, I prayed "God, there are just two things I can't lose. My house and the kids' school. Just let us keep those things." I don't care about cars or clothes or anything like that...but the kids' school and our new house are important to me. 

And the funny thing is, I prayed the same thing about our house in Illinois. 

Sometimes the things you cling to the tightest are exactly what you have to give up. Perhaps these things were my "Isaacs"...perhaps God wanted to see just what we were willing to lose to gain his will for our lives. 

"I've been waiting for you to get home," Adam said and then he launched into a recap of his conversation. And by "launched into a recap" I mean he relayed about two minutes of a forty-five minute conversation. 

This is my life, folks. If you want details, you have to probe. 

The long and short of it is this: Our Chicago friend was absolutely ecstatic about helping us however he could. For a good forty-five minutes, he and Adam discussed exciting things like insurance and logistics and Adam was feeling great. And then, somewhere in the conversation (the details are, let's just say "fuzzy") turned and our friend told Adam that two days before their current Artistic Director (a woman we all LOVE) had resigned. 

Because her family's business was booming (I'll blog about that some other time...that's a whole separate inspiring story...) she needed to devote more time to it. 

And that left CYT-Chicago without an Artistic Director. 

(today is blurry-picture day on my blog.) 

I stared at Adam and kind of shook myself out of my what-did-you-just-say trance. "So, what? We'd move back to Illinois?" 

His eyebrows popped up as if that were an acceptable answer. 

I can't explain what happened next. It was like, inside me something switched and I realized that while we love Colorado, ever since my launch party back in February, my heart has been homesick for Illinois. (Coincidence?) 

Sometimes I think when you're in the thick of something, when these are your circumstances and you don't have another choice, you simply keep your head down, make the best of things and focus on what's good. And there is a LOT of good here. 

Friends that I do NOT want to lose. Weather that you cannot beat. And, like I said, a school and a home I've grown to love. 

But in that moment, when he said flicked his eyebrows at me...my response was "Let's do it." 

(not commenting on my posture...resisting the urge to self-deprecate)

Later, Adam told me that as SOON as he heard they needed an Artistic Director, he knew that was our next step. Just like as SOON as I heard they needed an Artistic Director, I knew that was our next step. 

...but that didn't keep me from worrying. 

You see, Adam decided to resign from his position at Group. Crazy, right?

He came home one day and told me "I just can't do this anymore." And I can't explain the inexplicible peace I had in that moment. I couldn't stand to see him unhappy for one more day. This was not what he was called to do and everyone knew it. So I said "Then give your notice." 

We had to go on the faith that what we knew God was telling us was going to happen would really happen...but there was always that slim little chance we'd mis-heard...it had happened before, after all. 

I spent the next several weeks wondering things like "What if someone else swoops in and gets the job?" and "What if they decide they don't like Adam after all? Maybe his brand of humor will offend..." and "What if for some reason Illinois falls into the ocean never to be seen again?" (seriously, sometimes that's how ridiculous it is.) I practically made myself sick over it and all the while, Adam was completely confident because hearing God for him is very cut and dry.

Mind you, he'd only relayed portions of conversations with me so there's a very good chance he's instituted a plan to take over the world and I'd be the last to know. 

I clung to the fact that I'd been here before. My gut knew this feeling. I knew this was our step...and so did Adam. We committed our plans to God and we were going for it. 

We were all in. 

After several more conversations, Adam learned that one of the biggest parts of his job at CYT will be writing curriculum to streamline their classes...and after working at one of the top companies for church curriculum, he'd been trained in writing GREAT curriculum...regardless of the misplaced commas or hyphens. 

I can tell you in no uncertain terms, my husband is an insanely good writer. 

And it sort of ticks me off if you want to know the truth. 

Anyway. All of the sudden, all of my "WHY did we have to move here if only for two years?" became "Wow, God. You really set us up...Now it all makes sense." 

NONE of this is what we expected but when I see how all the pieces came together, when I see how God took care of us, used this whole experience to build our faith, it's clear that he is not about to shove us out of the boat without a life vest. 

After a trip to Illinois and several official interviews, we got word that it's a done deal. And as far as I know, Illinois hasn't fallen into the ocean yet. 

And God. Is. So. Good. To. Me. 

When God Intervenes {part two of this story...}

Needless to say, we didn't take the job with the pervy pastor. 

But that didn't keep us me from doubting that I'd heard God's voice. See, a funny thing happens when you think you know what God's doing...and he does something different. You assume you've missed it somewhere. You've messed up. 

And if you're like me, you wallow in the "I'm 33 now I should be able to distinguish God's voice, shouldn't I" of it for days...or, months. 

But in retrospect, when I look back, I realize that God's nudging really was there all along, I just didn't acknowledge it. Because I didn't want to. Because I thought this was it. Because we were so sure. 

Don't get me wrong, I think this whole scenario had to happen. I think God wanted us to check it out, to interview at this place, to inform us in no uncertain terms that "no" means "no." That he will stop us if we start down a path that's not his. I truly believe that, and it's comforted me in every decision we've made since. 

Including the one to move to Loveland for Adam to work for Group. 

We came here ready for something different. Ministry is an amazing thing, but it really can be grueling, and with our young family in tow, we just needed a different life. A different schedule. And we needed to calm our cynical hearts. (Just being honest.) 

See, another lesson that's hard to learn is that God is not found in a person. Or a church. Or in a litany of "things I did good today." And it took moving here to differentiate what God was saying and what people were saying. Often, the two were not the same thing. 

So we came here and three months later, there was a big shake-up at Group. They reorganized and many people lost their jobs, including a bunch from Adam’s department. Thankfully, Adam wasn't one of them. This is an incredible company doing incredible things, but for Adam, his "incredible" is all creative...and this job now didn’t allow for the amount of creativity Adam was looking for. That tends to happen when a team of 10 is cut to a team of 3 and the workload doesn’t change.  

If Adam had been any one of you in this position, I would've said "You need to find something else." And even though part of our livelihood depended on his job, even though I was a bit terrified about what we'd do and why we moved and the whole deal, I knew I couldn't support him staying in a job that he didn't love. 

It's just not how we're wired. 

Turns out, when you're supremely creative (and that's your main gift) checking for commas, periods and misspellings isn't exactly fulfilling. 

So, we started talking about what we did love. What we wanted to do. More than once I said, "What do you really want to do when you think about your days?" Sometimes he shrugged or said "I don't know..." but I started to pay attention and he kept talking about theatre for kids. 

We both missed it. I mean, CYT got into our blood. When we went to see "Tall Tales", the first show we wrote, that's when it really started to sink in what we'd left behind. 

So, here we were, months later, writing another original show for the same organization and feeling like we should be directing it one day. 

And this is where it gets interesting. 

I want to say something that I have absolutely no biblical proof of. At all. But it's what I've discovered in our own lives. Years ago, I overheard someone who was out of work saying "Well, I'm just waiting on God..." (This is truly a wonderful thing to do...and I think it's important to master the art of waiting. It's not in my arsenal of gifts.) 

But in the back of my mind, I remember thinking "But what if God is waiting on you to put in a resume or make some phone calls or get out there and take a step? Could it be that you're not getting your answers because you're not actively pursuing them? 

(As a disclaimer, I also think that sometimes God tells you "sit tight. Wait on me. Trust." So if that's you, ignore this...but in our case...God seems to move when we move.) 

So, we did. We made phone calls and set up meetings. We were going to start our own theatre and music program here. It would be hard and challenging and Adam would have to work another job, but we were dedicated to making it work. Again, we thought this was where God was leading us. 

And it was, but not for the reasons we thought. 

In the middle of all of this, Adam called our friend at CYT-Chicago. Why wouldn't we? They're the leaders when it comes to this kind of program, and we needed guidance and wisdom. They spent a good chunk of time on the phone and then Adam called me (I was out getting the kids)...twice...asking when I was going to be home. 

When I arrived, he pulled me into our room and shut the door. 

He looked at me, this strange little flash in his eyes and said, "Okay...keep an open mind." 

I kind of laughed and said "Oh, what are we moving again?" (as in "ha ha, that'd be just ridiculous...") 

His jaw went slack and he stared at me..."Just...keep an open mind..." 

God was about to shift our path yet again...and as the pieces fell together, it became clearer and clearer and he was answering the prayers of my heart...

God, we want you to use us. Take our lives and make them yours. Show us what you have. Put us in a place where Adam will thrive, where his gifts will be valued and he's able to use them on a daily basis. Help us make an impact in the lives of the people who surround us. 

We had no means to do any of these things...

But God...

When God Says "No" {where this story begins}

So. The dirt. The dish. The lesson(s) in all of this. 

I've been trying to think of the best way to share the story behind this great big change...and I've come up empty. I mean, I want fireworks to emphasize the right points because you know, there were mental fireworks. 

I want you to see how awesome God is...even when you feel lost...because he's still there. Loving us. 

The burden of making that clear is weighing on me right now...I'm not sure why. 

Anyway...I'm going to tell the story in a few different posts because  hindsight is 20/20. I'm starting to see the pieces fall into place, and it's amazing to me the way God has worked this out, how he was there in those moments when I was sure he'd forgotten us. Amazing. 

I mean, shaking-my-head at the computer screen amazing. 

To start with, I want to talk about "When God Says 'No'"...

Before applying at Group, Adam only applied at one other place. A church. We went there. He interviewed. We imagined. And the whole time, I had a PIT in my stomach...I can still remember walking to the bathroom at the end of the service, shutting the door to the stall and crying. 

God, this isn't what I want. 

But I ignored it because of what I thought God was doing. It seemed like He had lined this thing up for us. They wanted Adam. They were creative and valued his creative gifts. They were unique. 

We lay in bed at night running through the possibilities and trying to determine...God, is this what you want us to do? 

There was no booming voice...no fire or brimstone...but we didn't get a "no"...at least, we thought we didn't.

So we landed back in Illinois, making plans to break the news that we were moving. 

But then something happened. Adam had been texting back and forth with the pastor making plans for our future. Plans to take a HUGE step and move away. 

So when his phone buzzed and he got a new text, he asked me to read it because he was driving. (And I should add, that the pit in my stomach had not gone away.) So, I opened the phone to a new text from this pastor.

And it was most certainly NOT a text for my husband. 

I've washed my eyeballs out repeatedly, but cannot seem to get the words (and the image they conveyed) out of my head. 

"Just read it," Adam said. 

"I can't read this out loud." 

Adam frowned. "What's the big deal?" 

I shoved the phone at him and as he read the words, I could tell he thought the same thing I did. 

First, "ew." And second, "What in the world?" 

(I refuse to repeat it, but basically it was a VERY crude text...the kind that would make any girl blush. And not in a good way.)

Adam texted back an "Umm...was this meant for me...?" 

Dear Jesus, I hope not. 

But really, did it matter who the intended recipient was? The issue, in my mind, was the lack of respect and the dirtiness (for lack of a better word) of it. 

The phone rang and the apology came, but the damage had been done.  

The door had been slammed shut. 

I looked at Adam, completely shell-shocked...because while I am a prude, I also believe that there is a respectful way for a husband to talk to his wife. I know married people all have their own way of doing things...but this signified that something was off. Something wasn't safe.

And more than anything, we needed safe.

The rawness in my stomach intensified. 

"Is that a deal-breaker?" I asked. 

Adam shook his head, clearly as stunned as I was and said, "I think it might be." 

We'd been ignoring the signals. We'd been shoving aside the feelings of discomfort, the little inconsistencies, the red flags. We were so sure we knew what God was saying we failed to listen. It's like people who pull a Bible verse out of context when it supports their position, but forget to look at the rest of the chapter. 

That's what we'd done. We were Bruce Almighty begging for answers behind a truck full of "STOP signs"...and yet, we failed to hit the brakes. 

But I think God allowed it because what it did was teach us to trust that gut instinct. To pay attention to the peace...to follow it, no matter how it seems to the rest of the world...to seek it out. And to KNOW that when it wasn't the thing he had for us, he'd shut the door. 

Even slam it. 

Looking back on it now, I see that this incident, though heart-breaking, taught me to trust that God has our best interest at heart. Even when we mess up. Even when we need twenty five different signs. Even when we fail to hit the brakes. 

More than once since then, I've recalled that moment and have been able to remind myself what's been echoing in my head the past several months...

He's got me in the palm of his hand.  

Trust your gut. Follow the peace. And know that even in the darkness...even in the storm...He's got you in the palm of his hand. 

...and this is just the beginning of the story...

 

Yep. We're Moving. Again.

Source

If you've been following our family journey for awhile now, perhaps you remember just two summers ago when we packed up our little family and headed across the country to Colorado. 

Maybe you remember our announcement that after only two years in our Rockford house, we were selling it so we could make said move. 

You may even remember only a few short months ago, how we, after living in a god-awful rental for a year, found a house in Loveland that we loved. And we bought it. 

And found out none of the appliances worked. 

And practically gutted it, replacing flooring and paint and trim...

Going from this:

To this:

From this:

to this:

If you're just joining our journey, then welcome. It's been a wild and crazy ride. 

And it's about to get crazier.

One other thing you might be aware of is our undying affection for Christian Youth Theatre, an organization we've written and directed for for a few years now. I think Adam's first show with them was when I was pregnant with Sam in 2007 and I came on the year after. 

And since our move, it's something we've missed immensely. 

For Sophia too...

(Peter Pan, her first show, 2009)

We miss the kids. We miss the theatre. We miss directing. And most of all, we miss making a direct impact on the lives and self esteem of young people. 

We used to do that for a living, you know. 

Well, today, we're happy to announce that Adam has officially accepted a position as the Artistic Director for CYT-Chicago. And yes, that means, this little family is hitting the road. 

Again. 

I promise I don't really have a lazy eye. 

Or wait. Do I? Do I have a lazy eye and no one is telling me? 

Regardless. 

I honestly cannot WAIT to tell you the amazing story of how God brought us to this point. It's a tale of learning patience, trust and the value of not giving in to the looming mental breakdown. And suffice it to say, God is using it to teach us and build our character... 

But I know what you're thinking...why would you leave Colorado...

For Illinois...

And all I can tell you is that when God moves you, you go. 

We've learned to trust his voice, to go where the peace is.

For us, that means Adam taking this job and us moving back to Illinois. Where? We have no idea. Many things need to fall into place... but life surely has turned into a journey for these homebodies...who seem perfectly incapable of finding a home. 

So...know anyone looking for a house in Loveland, Colorado?

10 Ways To Build Self Esteem in a Child

I feel like a fairly passionate person. At least about some things. I think I'm passionate about theatre and movies and my family. But I'm also passionate about building self esteem in young people. Kids, pre-teens, teenagers. 

It's important to me to have that in my life. The opportunity to say to someone "You really are special" and not sound like a Veggie Tale. 

Perhaps the most important person I am saying that to right now is my daughter, Sophia. She really is special, but as she approaches the dreaded sixth grade year (my most challenging year as a child), I see her struggling with some of the same issues I struggled with. 

Self-doubt and insecurity. 

I'm sure there are moms out there with brilliantly well adjusted children who never question whether or not they're good enough/smart enough/pretty enough...but when those moms wake up from their delusions, I really don't want to be there. 

The truth is, no matter HOW much you build up a child, there's always more building to do. It may seem like you're not getting through or they aren't listening to you, but I promise you they are. And even if they don't get it the first twelve times, maybe thirteen is your lucky number.

It's too risky not to keep trying.

So, because I'm list-girl, I've got a collection of

10 things you can do to build self esteem in a child, regardless of their age.

I've found it works especially well to start the process early and not beat yourself up when you see they need another pep talk.

Remember, you're sending them out there in the world everyday where the positive reinforcement gets harder to hear.

1. Teach her to celebrate her differences. Explain that God made her for a unique purpose and just because she may not be the best person to have on your "Zombie Tag" team, she could be the best person to lead worship in chapel. If YOU celebrate her uniqueness, then she will too. 

2. As often as you can, tell her specifically what you love about her. I prefer to divide this into three areas: 

• A physical feature
• An intellectual feature
• A talent/skill or ability 

I've read that you should focus not on their physical appearance, but I think you have to include it. Let's face it, girls want to be told their pretty. That's just human nature. So tell her, specifically what about her is pretty...but back it up with what makes her pretty as a person. (She is kind. She is selfless. She is creative.)

3. Make HER tell you something she loves about herself in each category. When she gets down, a great way to build her back up is to guide her in the process of finding out what she loves about herself. She will feel like she's bragging. Explain to her that loving yourself isn't haughty as long as you stay humble. She needs to see the good inside her. 

4. Give her a visual representation. Print a photo of her like this one: 

Give her a Sharpie and let her highlight those things on her list. Hang it up somewhere for her to see it, like the bathroom mirror. Feel free to add the things you love too. 

5. Talk to her about your own insecurities. For a long time, I thought it was best to pretend, but I've found that pretending is just phony and no one likes a phony. Be honest with her, but be positive. For instance, I might say, "I always hated that I had these hips..." but I'd follow it up with "Thank God I had them when I gave birth to a baby that was 10 lbs., 2 oz." Sometimes the very things we hate about our bodies are the things that serve a purpose. 

6. Convince her to focus on what she can control. Sophia can get caught up in being the tall girl or the fact that certain clothes look better on her than others. She wants long, flowing curly locks. The sooner she can start accepting the things she has no control over, the better. It's taken me years to realize it really makes no sense to dwell on the fact that I have short legs. 

7. Determine if she's frustrated because she wants to learn something. Is she frustrated because she's not good at something she can learn--and wants to learn? For instance, if all of the girls in her class are learning to play volleyball and she really thinks it looks fun, but the two times she tried she hasn't done very well, how can you help her? Can you sign her up for a camp? Can you give her a fighting chance? Show her you're on her side. 

8. Make sure she sees the airbrushed pictures in magazines. Sophia is too young to read most of the magazines that are airbrushing actresses to look like plastic, but if she realizes now that the photos in those magazines aren't a true representation of real people, I think she'll walk into the next season with her eyes wide open, hopfully unwilling to compare herself to a fictitious representation. THIS LINK has some good examples of before and after pictures.

For example:

(Why can't we let Kelly Clarkson be Kelly Clarkson...super talented phenom?)

9. Talk about what makes her love someone. What things does she admire in her friends/teachers/family members? What does she want to be known for? Guide her so she focuses on kindness, skill, work ethic rather than the way someone looks. Then point out those things are all within her reach. 

10. Explain how God sees her. It's hard to grasp this concept. I can say that because I'm still trying... but if we despise ourselves, it means we despise God's creation. He's an amazing artist who knew just what he was doing when he made her. Show her verses that prove it. 

We love you, Sophia...

The Ditch Your Scale For 30 Days Challenge. {Are You Woman Enough?}

When Adam and I were in children's ministry, I developed a self esteem workshop for girls called "The Beautiful Girl Workshop." We had T-shirts printed that simply said "beautiful girl" across the front. We took the girls to a hotel overnight and poured into them all the great things God says and thinks about them.

My goal was to teach girls at a very young age how very much God loves them... in hopes that down the road they'd remember it, they'd cling to it. They'd know wholeheartedly they had a purpose. 

And I believed every single word. 

Over the last many years, though, it's been clear to me, that it's really easy to believe those things for everyone else...but profoundly more difficult to imagine them for yourself. 

That he knew me before I was born...

That he formed me in my mother's womb...

That the hairs on my head are numbered...(my hair is really thick, I mean, that's no small feat.)

That he really does want what's best for me...

Could it really be true? For me?

And it's also been clear to me lately that by not valuing myself the way God values me, I am, in a way, insulting him. Telling him he made something broken or not good enough...

How many times have I been guilty of sending him that message? (Too many to count.)

Recently, I started another attempt to lose those ten pounds that I can't seem to get rid of. But before I could lose those ten, I had to lose the other five. You know, the ones I put on in the stressed-out times that ensued post-book launch.

I earned those cupcakes. 

I managed to lose six and then I just thought...what am I doing? Killing myself for a few pounds...and then what...obsessing over them to keep them off?

This is not new for me. Anyone who knows me is aware that this has long been my battle.

Food + Courtney = chaos. 

I'm always trying to figure it out...and you know what I've been figuring out lately is that the scale is my boss. When it says what I want it to, I have a great day. 

Source

When it doesn't, my mood is shot. 

Right now, my husband is saying "I've been telling her that for years..."

And all my self worth is wrapped up in these three dumb numbers? Is that really how I want to live my life? 

Do I want to be a grown up with a career and a purpose and still obsessing over the way that scale makes me feel? Because somewhere along the way I've gotten it in my head that the ONLY way I'll ever be good enough is if I weigh this magic number...

But I've been here before...I mean, I've had these thoughts and feelings before...but I don't know...something is different. Maybe I've released those inner demons that want to please everyone else. Maybe I've realized that the people I was trying to please hold no stake in the life I'm building for myself.

Maybe I've discovered that the way I see my kids...that's how God sees me...

I'm not sure this will make sense, but it kind of feels like it's lost its grip on me somehow...

But still, I know I'm not the only one who lets the scale control her, so today, I'm issuing a challenge. 

Here it is...

If you, like me, allow your weight to control other aspects of your life (your mood, your attitude, your self worth, your desire to overeat or undereat...) then perhaps you'll accept.

(You also have to accept it if you are my mother. You know who you are.) 

The Ditch Your Scale for Thirty Days Challenge... 

Yeah, I'm talking to you, Walsh...

Ok. Here are the rules. 

1. I will not. For Thirty Days. Get on the scale. 

I'm not doing this to lose weight. For once in my life, I'm doing it because  I'm tired of feeling so crummy or ignoring my health so much so that I wind up in the hospital. Frankly, I can't afford the ambulance again. 

Break the crazy mental need to weigh yourself to find out how you measure up. 

That said, in order to ensure I feel GOOD and not WORSE in thirty days, I have two more rules:

2. I will not eat anything I'm allergic to. (I know this seems like common sense, but when you're deathly allergic to dairy products it's EASY to stay away...but when you're only moderately allergic to yeast and it takes a few days of eating it to feel the affects, it's easy to convince yourself you can eat it. Then, when you start to suffer and wind up with a complex migraine after three weeks of massive bread consumption, you remember why you stopped eating it in the first place.) 

What can I say? I'm a slow learner.

3. I will employ all the healthy eating habits I've researched and grown to mutually love and hate. This includes, but is not limited to: 

• No refined sugars or flours (I'll be baking mostly with almond flour.)
• Limited starches (they just aren't easy to digest, at least not for me. I may have the occasional sweet potato.)
• Lots of protein, vegetables and fruits (including bananas because while they're higher in sugar I don't care. It grows on a tree.) 
• Nuts and seeds. (I'd like to turn myself into a squirrel.) 
• Little/no soda. (I'd say NONE but I know I'd probably slip up and have to repent. I really struggle to take myself off the soda.) 
• Regular trips to the grocery store. (Which seriously makes me cringe.)

Side Note: I'm not a big fan of diets, and my "rules" are based on what I know about my own body. I've learned that while my husband can eat whatever he wants and never get sick, I don't have that luxury. It's not about comparison...it's about listening to my own body and doing what's best for it. 

So, at the risk of entering into this crazy-scary territory alone, I ask... 

Does anyone out there relate to this or am I the ONLY crazy scale-checker? Will you accept this challenge?

Will you break away from the need to weigh yourself just for thirty days? 

Here's the catch: You have to pay attention during this time to how you feel. How's your mood? How's your attitude? Are you nicer to be around? We can do it, friends! 

Who's with me? (I feel like Mikey Walsh in the Goonies right now. Let's all put our hands in the circle, what do you say?)

Goonies never say die.

Rest is a weapon...

I've learned over the years to trust my gut. It's led me to each next thing I believe God has for me... and so far, I've been able to see how it's served me well. 

I subscribe to the idea that you follow the peace. You fill up on the peace. 

This weekend has been about peace for us and our family. From the second we touched down in the green mecca that is Illinois, my spirit felt at home...and while we've found peace in Colorado on many occasions, there's nothing quite like coming home. 

The truth is, I'm not exactly a restful person. I don't take time off from work the way I should. My brain is never at rest...it's always running, often on overdrive. That's exhausting. 

So being here, letting it fill me up...it's not just a fun little thing to do because we're bored...it's necessity. 

When I had my "episode" with the complex migraine, I think I saw the benefits of slowing down some. Of learning to get my worry under control. And in many ways, our jaunt to Illinois came at a saving time...and I do feel rested because of it. 

And I'm reminded again that Rest is a weapon... 

And hoping that when I return I can let that be my motto. Or at least something I routinely remember...

Do you have trouble resting? What helps you shut your brain off...just long enough to recharge? 

Do you have a place that fills you up?

The Benefit of the Dirt

Everything I've read or been taught about blogging tells me not to go into detail about my kids. "I don't want to hear about your kids' football games," they say, "unless you're famous." 

Which I most certainly am not. 

But I'm a mom, and like most moms, I learn something new everyday...often thanks to my kids. 

I learn to say "I'm sorry..." as in "I'm sorry you can't have Hershey Kisses for breakfast, but those are the rules." OR "I'm sorry you don't want to go to school today, but the law won't allow me to keep you home and for the sake of my own sanity, you're going to school...." OR "I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings." 

I'm great at apologizing now, thanks to my kids. 

Lately, I've been thinking about my life and how it's not taking the course I'd set it on. It's veering off into it's own direction a little bit...and I fought back for awhile (a long while) and now, finally, I think I'm starting to go with the flow. 

I'm starting to learn a little something, maybe thanks to this guy: 

Ever since Sam was a baby, he's loved to play in the dirt...

(Go ahead, tell me not to blog about my kids...I'll stick my fingers in my ears.) And yes, that is dirt UNDER his pacifier. 

It's got protein in it.

I started thinking, you know, I don't like dirt. I don't like it under my fingernails. I don't like to kneel in it, stand up and have it embedded in my skin. I'm not a fan of it in any form. 

But when I check on my youngest in the back yard and he's doing this:

...grinning while happily getting filthier than filthy, it stops me in my tracks. 

What does he know that I don't know? 

Clearly there's a secret I've yet to uncover. 

So, like any mom in an uber-pensive mood, I start to ponder the point of dirt. It makes things grow. When watered, those things thrive...and it hits me that sometimes you have to get a little dirty...a little mired in muck...to see the green shoot out from the ground. 

And plus, it can be sort of fun to play in. 

We all go through seasons...transitions...changes...and boy am I ever riding the roller coaster of change right now...but somehow, I feel like there's something new being cultivated. In the dirt of it (the ugly part), something's been planted that I have a responsibility to water and care for. 

And if I'm too afraid to get my hands dirty, it'll never happen. 

So if you're stuck in the dirt right now, go ahead and dig around for awhile...I have a feeling there are answers waiting to be uncovered...

What about you? Do you ever feel like you're in a season of change? Do you welcome it or do you, like me, fight back until finally you reach a place of surrender? (C'mon stubborn friends, 'fess up! We can form a club...)

A New Way to Journal {And Some Winners!}

I wish I could ask my mom not to read this post, but I know she's the nosy type and would never comply. 

I want to tell you about something we're doing over at Webster's Pages. You know, when I started working there, Brandin told me not to blog about something unless I felt really strongly about it. You know, she didn't want me to turn myself into a Webster's Pages commercial. 

Thing is, I blog for Webster's Pages 3-4 times a week, and I could STILL find things to tell you about here on my blog...but I try to keep it all in check because, you know, I don't want to turn myself into a commercial for Webster's Pages. 

Anyway, this particular product is near and dear to my heart because I've gotten to be a part of it since the beginning...I've gotten to understand the process of conceptualizing a product and watch as it morphed into something unique and special and yes, simple. 

See, a few years ago, I wrote this book: 

I wrote it because I'd spent a lot of time trying to convince people to take up scrapbooking...but in all my badgering I realized something...

The number one reason people don't do it is because they're busy. 

So, I started thinking to myself..."You know, I'm busy too... and I don't really have time to spend hours on a scrapbook layout. How can we make this simpler?" 

The results of that brainstorm are in this book...(which you can get at amazon right now for just $8!!)

Now, I feel like we've taken it one step further with this new program called {blueprints*}. 

Incidentally, every time I type that word, I type "bluepritns" Every. Single. Time. 

Ok...feast your eyes...

So, this is what it is. 

A journal. This one is called "A Mother's Love." Inside are pages to write answers to the prompts we'll be posting on the Webster's Pages website every day starting April 12th. 

You'll finish just in time to wrap it up and give it to your mom for Mother's Day. Or, you can choose the prompts that are geared toward YOU being a mom...and save it for your own kids. 

It's like, the very easiest way to get your memories down into one place. 

Add photos where and when you want to (just stick them down, there's no pressure here...) 

The journal comes with an Embellishment pack and there are envelope pages to hold things like cards and pictures...You can snag your own HERE. 

I have to warn you though, there's a VERY limited supply and they've already started moving out of the warehouse. I'm going to be participating in this, answering my own prompts and giving some thought to this whole motherhood gig. 

Wanna come along?? :) 

***

Now it's time to finally tell you who the winners of the Sweethaven Scrapbooking Challenge are. This was HARD. I had to call in reinforcements to finally find winners. You guys are amazing. 

You can click HERE to find out more about the prizes, and thank you to everyone who played along! 

So, here they are...the WINNERS of the Sweethaven Scrapbooking Challenge! 

The Grand Prize Winner is...

Nicole Brenna with her take on Leslie Ashe's "Just Meant to Be Friends" layout. I absolutely love the little flags belowt he photo and the way Nicole wrapped her photo in twine. Love it! And the photo is adorable. 

First Place Goes To:

Laura Cox with her "Summer Traditions" layout. I love the way the waves swirl up over the journaling block, and capturing her boys in the same place at two different ages is just brilliant. 

Second Place Goes To:

Ann Jobes with her "Sweet as Honey" layout. I think the popped out honeycombs won me over, and the colors on this layout are so adorable. 

So, Nicole, Laura and Ann, send me your addresses so I can get your prizes out to you pronto! You can see some of the prizes in THIS POST but it's going to mostly be a surprise! Because who doesn't love a surprise? 

I have to add that I've chosen three additional Honorable Mentions. I wish I had prizes for these, but I did want to show them off because I LOVE them (and I really loved all of the entries! So much talent!) 

In no particular order...

"Sun Kissed Cheeks" by Emilia Van Den Heuvel...

"Capture Moments" by Kate Barber:

And "Never Say Never" by Naomi M.

Thanks to everyone who played along! I had so much fun...and I'm going to have even MORE fun sending out prizes! 

Happy Wednesday! Make it happier and (Go get you a {blueprints*} journal!)

In the Knowing...

I want to explain everything I'm thinking right now, but I find myself in the rare position of not being able to do that. Usually I'm just an open book and I like to muddle through the meanderings of my mind with you...

But some journeys are solitary and some problems you have to work out in the quiet of the night. 

Sometimes you can see how the things God's teaching you affect your children...and that's a hard thing to take. 

Sometimes I feel angry for it. 

When I wipe their tears, ones I wish I could cry myself, it makes me angry as much as it does sympathetic. 

Angry at circumstances that should be different. Angry that everything doesn't work out like your favorite song. Angry that lately I've been living on a steady diet that includes coffee and Aleve because my body isn't cooperating. 

And other times, I'm willing to move forward...because I know on the other side of the valley there's a forest of green, filled with exactly what I need. 

There are moments in the journey where I feel stuck, like a shoe that's come off in the mud. And in that state stuck-ness, I'm learning to listen rather than talk. I'm learning to run to HIM instead of people. It's easier to run to people because often, they say what I want to hear. 

Sometimes He doesn't. 

His answer is always the same. 

Trust. 

Sometimes it comes in the form of a question. Do you trust me? 

And I sort of scoff my "Of course I trust you..." as doubts swirl around my head like a cloud of dust kicked up by tires travling a dirt road. 

Of course I trust Him. I know there's much learning to be done in the desert...

But do I trust him to work it out? I did last week, what's changed? Am I that quick to forget? 

It strikes me that sometimes the landscape here in Colorado looks like this:

No mountains. They're covered by fog and even though you know they're there, you can squint for days and not find them...

And then something shifts. Some slight change...

And there they are. Clear as day. 

Could it be that it's like that with God's blessing? With the answers to my prayers?

Could it be that it's more about my focus, what I'm choosing to fill my days thinking on? That it's a choice to be positive and hopeful...?

Why isn't my knowing He'll take care of me as strong as my knowing that mountain is there behind that thick cloud?

If I KNOW he wants the best for me, if I KNOW the mountain really is there, whether I can see it or not, that it's just going to take a bit longer for the clouds to move away, for the fog to lift, before I can see them clear as day again? 

It's often in the fog that I lose my way...

Praying I can see through it today with a fresh pair of eyes...

***

ETA: Picking the Sweethaven Scrapbooking Challenge Winners today! I'm notoriously indecisive but having so many amazing entries SURE isn't helping anything! You guys made this impossible for me!!

Being Present

When you're pregnant, it seems there's a ton of advice out there floating around, doesn't it? Also, everyone wants to touch/rub/speak to your belly. 

Being the non-touchy-feely person I am, this never went over very well with me. 

I used to say I wished they came with an instruction book...because when I brought Sophia home from the hospital, I sure didn't know what I was doing. 

This weekend, she turned eleven. And I thought about all the people who told me it would go in the blink of an eye. It's my least favorite thing that older people say. It makes me feel like no matter what I do, I'm going to miss out on something. 

I get it. It goes fast. But what good does it do to reiterate what we all already know? That she'll be independent before I know it? That I can't keep her from growing up? 

That one day, she won't be my baby...she'll be my friend. 

This weekend, time stopped...for her. And I'm so glad it did. We didn't work. We didn't write. We (Adam) didn't compose. We were fully engaged. Fully present. 

...and sometimes I think that's why time moves so quickly...because we're not really paying attention. It's like driving across town, reaching your destination and having little memory of how you got there. 

I realize it's fleeting...this is why I scrapbook. It's why I journal. It's why I keep this blog... so one day I can look back and remember the days that turned into months that turned into years... and I can smile on the other side of it. 

Smile to think of all the adventures she's had so far...New schools. New friends. Discovering she loves to lead worship. Discovering we have a love of theatre in common (it's important to find common ground, I think...) 

Discovering her own personal relationship with her Heavenly Father...and her sweet relationship with her earthly one. 

And how many more adventures she has ahead of her...eleven years feels long and makes me feel old...and yet, it's just a drop in the bucket. She has so much to explore. 

 

For now, my plan is to be more engaged. To look into her eyes more often. To realize that when she gets out of bed at night, she's not always stalling...sometimes this is the best time to talk to her. 

That when she asks if I want her to sing to me, it's often because she can sense I had a rotten day.
This is her way of cheering me up. 

That she is going to grow up, whether I like it or not...and so far, she's proven that she's going to do that in a beautiful way. 

That she needs to be independent. It's okay. I was too. 

That it's important to bring out her silly side...and often the best way to do that is to find mine. 

That when she has a revelation about God, I most certainly will stop and listen to it...often he uses her to teach me something I need to hear. 

That she is sweet in so many ways...

Happy Birthday to my amazing eleven-year-old beauty. 

It may go fast, but I'm going to tune in to every little moment...