When Adam and I were in children's ministry, I developed a self esteem workshop for girls called "The Beautiful Girl Workshop." We had T-shirts printed that simply said "beautiful girl" across the front. We took the girls to a hotel overnight and poured into them all the great things God says and thinks about them.
My goal was to teach girls at a very young age how very much God loves them... in hopes that down the road they'd remember it, they'd cling to it. They'd know wholeheartedly they had a purpose.
And I believed every single word.
Over the last many years, though, it's been clear to me, that it's really easy to believe those things for everyone else...but profoundly more difficult to imagine them for yourself.
That he knew me before I was born...
That he formed me in my mother's womb...
That the hairs on my head are numbered...(my hair is really thick, I mean, that's no small feat.)
That he really does want what's best for me...
Could it really be true? For me?
And it's also been clear to me lately that by not valuing myself the way God values me, I am, in a way, insulting him. Telling him he made something broken or not good enough...
How many times have I been guilty of sending him that message? (Too many to count.)
Recently, I started another attempt to lose those ten pounds that I can't seem to get rid of. But before I could lose those ten, I had to lose the other five. You know, the ones I put on in the stressed-out times that ensued post-book launch.
I earned those cupcakes.
I managed to lose six and then I just thought...what am I doing? Killing myself for a few pounds...and then what...obsessing over them to keep them off?
This is not new for me. Anyone who knows me is aware that this has long been my battle.
Food + Courtney = chaos.
I'm always trying to figure it out...and you know what I've been figuring out lately is that the scale is my boss. When it says what I want it to, I have a great day.
When it doesn't, my mood is shot.
Right now, my husband is saying "I've been telling her that for years..."
And all my self worth is wrapped up in these three dumb numbers? Is that really how I want to live my life?
Do I want to be a grown up with a career and a purpose and still obsessing over the way that scale makes me feel? Because somewhere along the way I've gotten it in my head that the ONLY way I'll ever be good enough is if I weigh this magic number...
But I've been here before...I mean, I've had these thoughts and feelings before...but I don't know...something is different. Maybe I've released those inner demons that want to please everyone else. Maybe I've realized that the people I was trying to please hold no stake in the life I'm building for myself.
Maybe I've discovered that the way I see my kids...that's how God sees me...
I'm not sure this will make sense, but it kind of feels like it's lost its grip on me somehow...
But still, I know I'm not the only one who lets the scale control her, so today, I'm issuing a challenge.
Here it is...
If you, like me, allow your weight to control other aspects of your life (your mood, your attitude, your self worth, your desire to overeat or undereat...) then perhaps you'll accept.
(You also have to accept it if you are my mother. You know who you are.)
The Ditch Your Scale for Thirty Days Challenge...
Yeah, I'm talking to you, Walsh...
Ok. Here are the rules.
1. I will not. For Thirty Days. Get on the scale.
I'm not doing this to lose weight. For once in my life, I'm doing it because I'm tired of feeling so crummy or ignoring my health so much so that I wind up in the hospital. Frankly, I can't afford the ambulance again.
Break the crazy mental need to weigh yourself to find out how you measure up.
That said, in order to ensure I feel GOOD and not WORSE in thirty days, I have two more rules:
2. I will not eat anything I'm allergic to. (I know this seems like common sense, but when you're deathly allergic to dairy products it's EASY to stay away...but when you're only moderately allergic to yeast and it takes a few days of eating it to feel the affects, it's easy to convince yourself you can eat it. Then, when you start to suffer and wind up with a complex migraine after three weeks of massive bread consumption, you remember why you stopped eating it in the first place.)
What can I say? I'm a slow learner.
3. I will employ all the healthy eating habits I've researched and grown to mutually love and hate. This includes, but is not limited to:
- No refined sugars or flours (I'll be baking mostly with almond flour.)
- Limited starches (they just aren't easy to digest, at least not for me. I may have the occasional sweet potato.)
- Lots of protein, vegetables and fruits (including bananas because while they're higher in sugar I don't care. It grows on a tree.)
- Nuts and seeds. (I'd like to turn myself into a squirrel.)
- Little/no soda. (I'd say NONE but I know I'd probably slip up and have to repent. I really struggle to take myself off the soda.)
- Regular trips to the grocery store. (Which seriously makes me cringe.)
Side Note: I'm not a big fan of diets, and my "rules" are based on what I know about my own body. I've learned that while my husband can eat whatever he wants and never get sick, I don't have that luxury. It's not about comparison...it's about listening to my own body and doing what's best for it.
So, at the risk of entering into this crazy-scary territory alone, I ask...
Does anyone out there relate to this or am I the ONLY crazy scale-checker? Will you accept this challenge?
Will you break away from the need to weigh yourself just for thirty days?
Here's the catch: You have to pay attention during this time to how you feel. How's your mood? How's your attitude? Are you nicer to be around? We can do it, friends!
Who's with me? (I feel like Mikey Walsh in the Goonies right now. Let's all put our hands in the circle, what do you say?)
Goonies never say die.