I've been doing something lately that I wasn't even aware I was doing...funny how that happens, isn't it? You don't always see the forest for the trees. Or whatever that saying.
I've been in another one of my funks. It mostly happens because I'm impatient, and I know it, and I always look back and see God's hand in the thing...later. But during is the challenging part. (My sister blogs about something similar today...)
I like to have everything all figured out.
I like order. I like a plan.
What I don't always like is when God changes the plan or takes me on an unexpected detour. It always stretches me in every feasible way.
Walking 'round the mountain (again) I want to shake a fist up at God until I realize if I'd learn the thing once and for all I wouldn't be here again.
How hard-headed can one girl be?
But yesterday, something happened to me. A revelation of sorts...a moment of stark clarity where I realized, once again, how very much God loves us. How he gives us just what we need when we need it... and it almost never looks like we expect it to.
There I was devising my plan again. I'd been doing it for months. I had things all sorted. I had a checklist and everything made sense to me.
Until it didn't. Until things started going in the opposite direction...until the prayers I was praying seemed to be going unheard. And I'm not talking silence from heaven...I'm talking answered prayers that weren't at all the answers I wanted or thought I needed.
And the truth is, I was kind of mad.
I know we're not supposed to get angry with God, but I knew what he'd told me, and it felt like he gave me a directive and then walked out the door. Pushed me out of the boat, so to speak.
God, where'd you go?
Do you ever feel that way?
But yesterday, something struck me. It wasn't that he'd gone from me...it's that I'd started making Him smaller than He is. My thinking--the way I was planning things out in my head--it became all about what I thought I knew.
I stopped looking at my life through God's lens and started processing everything in my own understanding.
Yesterday, I spotted a little sticky note under a stack of papers on my desk. I wasn't even really cleaning, just sort of shuffling things around when I saw it. On it there were words I'd written...the kind you write down and almost instinctively say "Yeah Right. Like that'll happen" AS you're righting.
Big dream kind of stuff.
See, for all my head knowledge that God puts desires in your heart so you'll ask him for them...I didn't believe he had any interest in mine. In my own thinking, I'd begun to limit God.
And it really wasn't about God. It was about me. It was about thinking I wasn't good enough or smart enough...that it was selfish to pray certain things...like a kid just out of college figuring exactly what I needed to get by and not a cent more, I presented my request to God.
But God isn't a God of mediocrity. And I'm not just talking money...I'm talking every aspect of our lives...he doesn't want us to live a mediocre life. He wants us to push for more. He wants us to work for more. He wants us to love unconditionally, to give wholeheartedly, to believe fully.
And somehow, I lost sight of that for myself.
So I took out my journal and I scrawled it all down. So messy I can't even read it. But I wanted to remember the power of the revelation.
Don't limit God. He has HUGE plans for us. Wait on him in earnest expectation.
There are floodgates to be opened...
Do we have the faith to believe?