How many times must I walk around this mountain?
The words smack at me like a tantruming toddler. Here we are again.
Typically my issues have to do with trust. Partly trust in God. Partly trust in myself.
The slope is slippery.
Tonight I found myself in the red chair again, across from my husband. Our talking chairs, I've come to call them.
So, we talked.
Only this time I walked away with something different, as though the same thing he'd said a thousand times before finally sunk in.
He believes in me. Why don't I?
I know what I'm supposed to tell you...that writing books and attempting to live a creative life is all go with the flow...that once you're published, you can write and write to your heart's content, but I'm not sure in this day and age anyone can really do that.
The fact of the matter is...it's hard work. There's a lot of putting yourself out there. A lot of waiting. And in the waiting, your creativity doesn't sleep--at least not always. So you find your head spinning and your direction aimless.
And your creativity is at war with your responsibility.
How do you really do it all?
In an effort to keep myself out of the hospital, I've vowed to make some changes...but they lead me right back here. The same mountain. The trust mountain. And I remind myself over and over of all the ways He's come through for our family...even when we were taking blind leaps of faith that seemed utterly ridiculous.
So tonight I left the house for about a half an hour to spend what's left of my grocery budget (and not a penny more) at Target. Do you know how hard that was? And I took the long way home because something in my spirit didn't feel settled.
So, I prayed.
And I asked God to move. And the words came back at me clear as day...
Don't ask me to move on your behalf if you aren't willing to move on mine.
See. He's been talking to me. He's been shifting things in my heart. He's been making himself very clear, putting up with my "just to be sure" prayers. He's done all that for me.
And what have I done but complain?
You can't un-ask the question just because the answers scare you. You have to listen.
You have to be willing to move.