I took some time off.
I forgot to tell you before I did and wonder if an "Out Fishing" sign should've graced this page for the past two weeks.
I needed the break. I still do a little, I think.
Last night, Adam said to me regarding the past two weeks, "This is the first time I've ever seen you just do nothing." I almost got offended. "When did I do that?"
"At your mom's. Here. You just sat and painted with the kids. Or the day you sat and read a book." (Submerged by Dani Pettrey. Highly recommend.)
He said it like he admired it. Like I'd done something noble. But it struck me like I'd done something wrong. I find I'm so caught up in doing all the time. Even when I say I'm going to knock that off. This morning, as I returned to my regularly scheduled program, I pondered the question "Where does this desire to achieve come from?"
It keeps me from relaxing. It drives me away from contentment. It prevents me from allowing myself to be loved...just for being who I am.
The way God wants to love me.
As New Year's came and went, I thought about choosing one word. I considered making resolutions. But then I realized I was just setting myself up to fail. I always have a list of goals...and they have nothing to do with the calendar. Just because I turned the page on 2012, doesn't mean my goals change...
And yet, the pressure is there. To be thoughtful. To be in line with what everyone else is doing.
But I'm not. I'm not mentally prepared to choose a word for 2013, and I have a long list of things I'd like to change about myself right now...yet somehow they overwhelm me.
There are simple tasks:
Eat healthy dinners together as a family. (No judgment on how many per week.)
Drink more water.
Go easy on myself.
At what point do we cut ourselves a little slack? When do I settle in to God's warmth and just rest? For all my head knowledge, I wish my heart would latch on to that one...
Because sheer exhaustion will steal your joy.
And because rest is a weapon.
I'm starting this year with big faith and lots of prayer...getting to a place where God's voice is the loudest one I hear. Shutting out what everyone else is saying and honing in on the One whose opinion matters.
It's where I should've been all along...