If you've been reading my blog for awhile, you probably know I am the PR Manager for Webster's Pages. It's an incredible scrapbooking company with amazing people and a whole lot of goodness going on.
I love working there.
And I love this chick:
(That's my boss/friend Brandin, the creative force behind WP)...
So when I started to feel pulled in too many directions, I crossed other things off my to-do list. Things like writing time or art with the kids... but not work. I couldn't cross work off. I love my job!
And yet...there was this nagging feeling in the back of my mind, something that told me I was getting ready for a change. I've come to recognize this feeling being the vagabond that I am, but when it first niggled its way in, I ignored it.
There was no possible way I could not have a day job. We need for me to work. Who am I to think I could be a full-time writer/creative person?
I'd imagined us broke, destitute and begging for food outside Wal-Mart.
And it would all be my fault.
But there were all these ideas...things I wanted to try. Things I'd put on the back burner for "someday." I had lists of big dreams that I was doing nothing to accomplish. I didn't have the time or energy. And I watched other people doing similar things and thought "I should do that...someday..." or "I had that idea once..."
What do you do with that? It's so easy to tell people to go after their dreams. It's so easy to say "just do it." Or "if you don't like something, change it..." or "When are you going to start believing in yourself?"
And I decided I wasn't. I couldn't do that. It wasn't smart. I am not a risk-taker.
Yet, when Adam was in a similar situation toward the end of our time in Colorado, I was gung-ho that he go after the thing that was in his heart. I could see his creativity lying dormant, and I wanted him to revisit it...because I knew how happy he was writing music, teaching, being creative...and he was doing none of that. He was sitting behind a desk checking for commas, something a copyeditor should be looking for...
Not being creative was killing his spirit...
And when it was him we were banking on, I was all for it. "We'll be fine. I just want you to be happy." I said the words every day for awhile. Because I believed in him. Because his happiness and creativity were worth it.
I wasn't unhappy. I just wasn't finding time to do the things on my list. The things in my gut. The ideas that kept getting shoved aside. Writing. Creating. Teaching. Directing.
And those things are important to me. Even if they don't sustain us financially. Even if they never "take off"...those are the things in my heart...and somewhere along the way, deep down in a place I can't quite locate, I found this tiny sliver of courage.
It came in the form of a HUGE revelation:
God was asking me to move. To get out of the way. To trust something I couldn't see. To believe that I actually could hear his voice (in spite of my best efforts to convince myself otherwise.)
So I made the decision and I handed in my resignation...and it made me sadder than I ever expected it to because I really do love my job.
And at the same time, I was excited because my ideas were simmering again.
I am filled with passion for them. Anxious to work on them. Excited to start.
And yet, there is more fear than I have ever felt before. Panic. Anxiety. The kind that paralyzes you and makes your breath catch in your throat. What if I made a bad decision and my family suffers for it?
So I pull myself back to His side, lay my dreams down at His feet and ask Him to meet me in this broken place full of confusion and worry and doubt.
And I'm learning that bravery doesn't mean you aren't scared. It just means you push through it. You do it anyway. You jump and trust that the net will be there.
Because He's proven He will never let you fall...