I've never considered myself a pessimist. Even when I learned that word back in grade school, I knew that was definitely not something I wanted to be.
A Debbie Downer.
A Negative Nelly.
And yet...the other day, when Adam said to me, "It seems like you're kind of just waiting for something bad to happen..." I thought, "Oh, heck. I AM!"
A few months ago, when I was angsty and worrying about whether or not to take the plunge into writing full time, I knew God was telling me something important. He's fairly straightforward with me.
I think it's because I'm a little bit pig-headed.
He said, "Courtney, I want to bless you, but you won't get out of my way."
See, I was holding on to what I knew. I was clinging to comfort of a paycheck rather than having the faith that he could bless me in ways I'd yet to see...I thought I had it (and God) all figured out.
So, I almost made myself sick with worry as I listed out pros and cons of leaving my job--a job I really liked--but one that, time-wise, made it nearly impossible for me to continue writing. I knew God had given me the go ahead...that "It'll be okay" had come to me loud and clear.
But I still doubted. I didn't doubt GOD, I doubted my ability to hear Him. So I put out fleeces. I drove Adam crazy with my lists and my worries and my "What if's..."
And I kept shoving aside that feeling in my gut, the one that said "You know what you need to do."
I was terrified. I don't embrace change very well, despite my track record in recent years. But our Colorado experience taught me that no matter what, God's got us in the palm of his hand.
So finally, I did what He was telling me to do. I took a step. I'm not going to pretend I was some fearless warrior woman or even some impressive woman of God.
I was terrified. What if I just single-handedly sunk our family? Nevermind that Adam had told me over and over that we were in this together. He knew this was what I needed, the same way I knew he needed to take the job that brought us back here. He had a list of ways to help supplement our income if we needed to...and most of them involved him working very long hours.
We were in this together. So, I jumped. Hands over my eyes, no idea where I'd land.
And you want to know something crazy?
God caught me.
A week later, I got some really cool news that I'm anxious to share...another week later, I started to see--really see--the blessing God had been storing up for us. It was like God was saying "I told you so."
The thing is, the blessing came almost in segments, like, one right after the other...the kind that make you just stop and, well, freak out a little... the kind that allow you to know that He knew best all along...and as they came, blessing after blessing, I found myself waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I got a royalty check...that must mean we're going to have to pay HUGE on our taxes this year.
But we had our taxes done...and we're getting a refund.
Some great things happened for Adam at work...but I started having nightmares about missiles and being accused of attempting to kill my husband (Seriously?)...so there must be something really bad coming our way.
"I feel like you're just waiting for something bad to happen."
The words kind of hit me sideways like a bus that rounds a corner and slams straight into your car. What makes happiness so elusive? Why is it so hard to rest in the good?
I don't have the answers, but I know that I have to try to allow myself to embrace the happy. I sometimes catch myself in the car, smiling for no reason, just thankful to be in a place I love with people I feel invested in, and as soon as I notice it, it's like that "It can't last forever" thought dashes the happy away...
And maybe it can't last forever. But it's here for today.
In the present, happiness is waiting...so I'm choosing to embrace it.
Tell me, do you live cautiously, waiting for the other shoe? Or do you live fearless, ready to accept the blessings God so generously wants to give you?