I think I'm filled with a random smattering of emotion today, largely due to the fact that we dropped our youngest off for his first day of kindergarten this morning.
He was all smiles until he got there, and I could see him looking around at all the kids he didn't know, and it sort of broke my heart. How easy it is to put myself back there, that angsty nagging that settles in your stomach when you feel like you don't fit in.
As a side note, I wonder if that ever goes away.
I knew he'd end up having the best day ever because he has one of my all-time favorite teachers ever, but I also knew I wasn't going to be there to make SURE of that, and when I left him, still in tears, I had to swallow a few of my own.
And I'm really not a cryer. Usually.
I'm not sad for the passage of time. I love where my kids are at this moment, and to be perfectly honest, I'm almost giddy knowing I'll have a few uninterrupted writing hours every day (assuming I don't piddle them away on monotonous tasks like dishes and laundry.) But maybe that's part of the emotional tug of war going on inside me. I wonder somehow if I should feel more something about this whole milestone.
It's funny how we can beat ourselves up for the feelings we don't have as well as the feelings we do. I'm the master at all that self-loathing mumbo jumbo.
The truth is, I'm just really super excited to see what Sam's going to do/be/turn into. He's got a very special backstory that makes me certain there is a tremendous call on his life...but his gifts and talents haven't revealed themselves yet.
He IS only five. And he IS contending with these two hoodlums.
Last night, he was running around the house and he hollered "16+22 is 38".
I had to literally stop and add the numbers together air-writing them to visualize it. When I realized he was right I said, "Wait, did someone tell you that?"
Me: Then, how'd you know?
Sam: I did a ten. You know, like 22 + 10 is 32 and then I added 6.
I kind of just stared at him for five full seconds then because I was still adding 22 + 10. I have no idea how I ended up with two number-savvy boys, but I can't help but wonder if it will all reveal itself, starting this year... with all the new things on the horizon.
So, yes, I guess I'm a little sad but guilty that I'm not more so. The excitement I feel over the plan God has for my kids' lives is bubbling in my belly like a well-shaken fizzy drink, and I can't quite get it out of my head that this new season is going to be filled with awesome.
Happy Last First Day of Kindergarten, Walshies.