This past weekend, Adam and I spent many, many hours at auditions, call-backs and casting for Spotlight Youth Theater's upcoming production of Grimm. Adam and I wrote the show and we're directing/musically directing, and frankly, the next ten weeks will likely be the most exhausting, wonderful, memorable and inspiring of 2013 for me.
And it was hard.
My own kids best fit in ensemble groups. Sophia had been called back for a couple of the secondary leads, and while we explained that we were looking to cast these parts older, we wanted her to do her very best. And she did. And she killed it. SO many of these kids killed it. And even though she knew she was young for the roles, I think there was a part of her that had her hopes up.
So when the cast list came out, I didn't know how she'd feel. She handled it suprisingly well, especially after we told her all the fun numbers she got to do...but then last night before bed, she asked, "Mom, is it okay that I'm a little disappointed?"
And I prayed that I hadn't given her the impression that it wasn't okay to be disappointed...
And it got me thinking about all the kids who killed it but didn't walk away with a role. And I wished I could explain how the giant puzzle of casting a show works itself out. I wished I could tell each one of them how amazing they were...because let me tell you, these were amazing, talented kids.
I was so excited to get our cast list up, I think I forgot how that disappointment really feels...like a punch in the gut.
And it made me think about something I haven't been completely honest about here on my blog...a disappointment of my own that gives me a special ability to relate to what some of our kids are feeling right now.
You might remember that I've been writing a new series with Guideposts Books (they also published my Sweethaven series.)
I spent several months on the first book and fell in love with my characters and the setting and the new town I'd created...I'd already brainstormed marketing plans and got very excited about the prospect of launching this new series in March of 2014.
And then the day before my deadline, I found out Guideposts was canceling their fiction line and my book wouldn't be published after all.
And in that moment, it felt a little like a punch in the gut.
If I'm honest, I think it was on that exact day I lost the desire to blog...because I didn't know if I could say anything about it and I don't really know how to be anything but honest. How did I go on blogging and not share this huge disappointment that left me in such limbo?
I suppose in some ways you could say, I was a tiny bit heartbroken...because I didn't understand why I'd worked so hard for something that wasn't going to come to pass.
I'd put myself out there, the same way these kids had, and I don't think I ever really let myself be okay with being disappointed. Part of me wanted to pack it up, hide my head in the sand and never try again... And while I usually like to tell these stories once I know the ending, at this moment, I don't.
I don't know what will become of my manuscript, but I do know that even in the midst of these disappointments, God has an incredible plan...and I have no intention of walking away from that.
And I wonder if that's what's going to happen with this show...that as we begin to put it all together, each disappointment will fall away and be replaced by a new understanding of just exactly what God had in store all along.
So yes, it's perfectly okay to be disappointed. But just know that God still has a plan and he's still at work...and no, he hasn't overlooked or forgotten you.
And he never will.