There are moments...seconds and hours and days and weeks...when I feel as thought I'm actually living my life. But there are other moments....months and weeks and years...when I feel as though life is living me.
My world has been turned upside down more times than I can count, and every time, God proves he is faithful.
But every time, I find myself longing for quiet.
I don't feel that I'm called to live an easy life. But, gosh, that sure would be nice sometimes, wouldn't it?
The other day, I sat down to pray. Let me be honest, it had been weeks since I'd been able to find any semblance of quiet. I realized this summer I am never alone anymore and my soul needs alone. It needs quiet. It needs stillness.
I realized in an instant how much I missed it. No wonder my head has been spinning--I hadn't taken any time to regroup, to focus, to be still. It occurred to me then how very different our lives are turning out than what I had originally planned. Funny how that happens, isn't it?
I realized how much harder and more grueling and more fulfilling and wonderful. It started in 2012 with our decision to leave the ministry. That so-called sure-thing...the paycheck that covered all our needs. The one that made sure we were taken care of. Gone.
And it was our choice. Because we expected something better.
And something better came...but not in the form of a steady paycheck. In the form of cross country moves and upended lives and broken hearts for children who are, yet again, having their world turned on its ear.
My life was, though I maybe didn't realize it at the time, simple.
Or, my life was, though I maybe didn't realize it at the time, stagnant.
Stale. Not challenging. Safe.
And I'll be honest. Safe feels really good sometimes. It feels calm and peaceful and normal and I can understand it. I can wrap my brain around safe and make sense of it.
But God hasn't called us to live a safe, stale, unchallenging life.
It's not like we're granted immunity for the tough stuff life likes to throw out at us. If we were, why would we ever need a Savior at all?
So I'm quiet. Because I just turned in my edits on my new book and it took a lot out of me. Because lots of people ask me questions I don't know the answers to. Because we started a new business and I have no idea what the year will bring. Because that scares me. Because fear likes to take hold of my neck and squeeze. Because so many times I forget all the ways God has brought us through every storm and lifted us up on to high ground and made sure we were safe.
Because I need to be quiet.
Because I can't do it alone. Because we decided somewhere along the way to do something that is the opposite of safe. Because I don't like the way my heart turns over when I consider all that could go wrong. Because it's hard for me to look at all that has gone right.
Because I don't remember what easy looks like anymore.
And yet...maybe that is just where God wants us. Hands open, hearts turned upward, giving it all over to him.
Because there is absolutely no way I am able to do any of it on my own.