How Our Move is Hitting Home {hard}

It's hard to explain how a son can steal your heart unless you have a son that's stolen yours. 

bad iPhone photo. It is what it is.

The relationship between mother and son is unique and different and very special...at least around here. Ethan is my most sensitive child, but he's also my least verbal. At least when it comes to talking about his feelings. 

Oh, he loves a good rambling round of Twenty Questions (in which he asks approximately twenty questions on the same topic before moving on to a new topic and starting over...) because he's curious and intelligent and likes to dissect things. 

But ask him how he feels and he clams up. Cries. Struggles.

A few weeks before we really knew we were moving back, I started probing the kids. Ethan came with me to run an errand and when I wouldn't let him get something in the gumball machine he said, "You know Grammy would let me get it." 

Uh-huh. But I'm not Grammy. 

He sighed. "I know." (Read that with an extreme amount of disappointment. Because that's how he said it.)

I said, "You miss Grammy and Poppy?" 

He nodded. 

"What if we lived back by them, would that be a good thing?" 

He thought for a second and said, "You know, I never really wanted to move here in the first place." 

So I thought we were golden. It was the girl I was worried about. 

Then we explained to the kids that this was a very real possibility, and as I suspected, Sophia cried (she has this great little group of friends at school...) 

And Ethan said "Okay. Can I go play the Wii now?" 

But then a few days passed and Sophia remembered the good things about Illinois, including her friends there...

And CYT and the school she'd loved...

And Ethan still said nothing. 

Then I started getting emails from his teacher. Bad behavior. Wild. Talking out of turn. 

At first, my inclination was to punish him. No kid of mine was going to be the troublemaker. I don't care who his daddy is. 

But after a couple of days of emails like this, it dawned on me. For all of Ethan's "not caring," I knew that somehow, inside, he was having trouble processing this. In three years of school, he's had three different schools. And the one he loves is the one he's in at the time...which right now, is in Colorado. 

I sat Ethan down and told him I'd had another email from his teacher. We talked about his behavior, and then I dug my heels in and tore the band-aid off. "Is something upsetting you? Because usually you only act up when you're upset about something." 

It took a minute, but then he burst into tears and said "It's just hard that we might be moving back to Illinois." 

I said, "But I thought you were excited because you never wanted to come here in the first place?" 

And he said, "But then I started thinking about all the good friends I have here." 

And what could I say? Because I've thought about all the good friends I have here too. I've cried over the distance we're now putting between us and them...I've hated how flighty we seem to keep traipsing across the country. 

I've had dreams that we're doing the wrong thing mixed in with dreams we're doing exactly what we're supposed to...but more than anything, I've lost sleep worrying about these kids. 

I switched schools exactly twice in my life. Once in 2nd grade and once in 9th. It was traumatic both times. Kids are resiliant, yes, but how do you, as a parent, explain that this is the right decision for our whole family...not just for the grown-ups? 

How do you give them a chance to explore feelings they're much too young to have when really, you want to be wild and talk out of turn and throw your ball at your classmates just like they're doing? 

I know he'll be okay...but he's still processing right now...and so am I. My feelings are so mixed in spite of being so sure we're in the palm of His hand...

And I suppose that's normal...but that doesn't make it easy. 

I have no conclusion today. Just ramblings. Just questions. Just typical mom-worry...

And the hope that when all is said and done...we're going to be okay...

Comments

[Sarah H.]

You've got this mom to another sensitive boy all teary and choked up! Adult decisions are hard to understand when you're young. I will be praying for all of your children during this time. Also, have you talked to his teacher about all of this? It may help her to re-direct or be a little more sympathetic (coming from an ex teacher) ;)

[Renee J.]

Yes, you will! Courtney, please know that you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers as you go through this transition. Letting your children express how they feel as you are doing, is a really good thing. I know your children appreciate the awesome Mom they have.

Thank you for sharing with your online friends....we really care!!

Hugs,

Renee

[Sherry Steveson]

As a Military brat, moving was something that happened without my permission (as if!)... and so I understand how hard it must be for your kids as well as a Mom trying to wrestle with the uncertainty of it all. What your kids have that wasn't around when I was a kid is the internet which allows them to maintain those friendships through Skype and emails. Hopefully they can see how cool it will be to have friends in two different places. Also, encourage Ethan to write or draw stories about what he's thinking or feeling. I found that through the stories, they are able to express themselves a little more. Praying for you.

[julie leak]

Courtney:

As you know we are going through the exact same thing right now. We move in a month and the girls are so up and down about it all. One minute they're excited and the next they are crying. We too know that this is RIGHT and that it is what God has called us to do. I'm okay moving...but all along I have worried about them. They have made come really great friends here and it really tears me up thinking that they will be leaving them in less than 30 days.

Right now we are trying to include them in every thing we can. The house hunting has been SO much fun for them. Every day they are asking to look at houses online. We are intentional about making them feel that their opinion matters. If they don't like the house, we move on (thankfully I haven't liked any of the ones they don't like either).

They WILL be okay, but I am with you...when it will affect the littles...it makes it so hard.

praying for you guys.

[becky @ farmgirl paints]

oh girl i feel ya. it's so hard being a parent when you are going through tough stuff like this. i was so worried i was going to screw my kids up for life moving them. but my 100 year old grandma told me this..."kids are resilient. they adapt to change. don't worry about them." and it's so true. here i am almost a year later still struggling with some things and they've been just fine. he will too. it will be okay.

[Courtney Walsh]

Thank you for that, Sarah! I have talked to his teacher and she is so wonderful...I'm hoping he starts to warm to the idea...

[Courtney Walsh]

Thank you so much, Renee! I appreciate the prayers SO much!!

[Courtney Walsh]

I didn't know you were a military brat! You're sooo right about the internet, and that's one thing we've promised is that he can get an email account when we move. I think it helped a little...

[Courtney Walsh]

I know...you guys are right there with us! SUCH great advice about the house. We haven't done that yet. I will make sure to...we've involved them in the other decisions along the way, and that's helped for sure!

[Courtney Walsh]

I know...and I think I told you that same thing last year!! Remind me again if I have a meltdown, okay?? Thanks, Becky!

[Sandra]

I moved over 40 times before graduating high school, Courtney. And I'm fine. Twitch, twitch, twitch.

[Jen]

I have been reading your recent posts with lumps in my throat as it looks as though my family is going to be going through a similar change. My husband is a youth pastor and has had a recent option open up for him that is more where his heart is leading him but with that means leaving all we now and love. I am so scared and want to believe that I trust God but my emotions keep getting the best of me. Due to the fact nothing is finalized, our children do not yet know and the thought of telling them scares me and already hurts my heart because I know they are going to be crushed. I can deal with my disappointment but my kids... it is going to make this so hard. I know this is right but my heart...

[Renee J.]

You are so welcome! 'Always wishing you the best!!

[Renea]

Courtney, just read this post in it's entirety. My hubby grew up in a pastors home. His dad was the one that was always sent to the churches that were in trouble. So they moved, a lot. He went to 6 different schools between 7th and 12th grade, in 3 different states. And, from my perspective, he turned out pretty awesome! His advice is to keep things in the open. Talking about the changes helps. And keep the kids in the loop on decisions so they feel they're a part of the process. (Stuff you're already doing!)

One thing I would tell you is, it's important that your children not feel that ministry is more important than them. To me, that's the hardest part of ministry and parenting. Make sure they keep their eyes on Jesus, not a church or organization. Then they see the purpose, not just the mechanics or ministry.

Moving is hard, but the good news is that, as you know, childhood friends come and go. It's hard to see that when you're a child. But family will be there when the friends aren't. I'm a big fan of living close to grandparents! They make everything better!

I know you already know these things. And I know you are going to be fine and so are your kids. God is faithful. Always. And it's ok to be emotional sometimes. This is kinda a big deal! Stop being so hard on yourself.

Blessings!